Ondine
by wildcat7898
Summary: Fifteen months after Uhura is transferred to the Lexington, she and Spock must make some difficult decisions. This is the last part of "Fire, Wind, and Water: The Debussy Suite." It follows "Gardens in the Rain."
1. Chapter 1

Title: Fire, Wind, and Water: The Debussy Suite 6, Ondine

Author: Wildcat

Series: TOS

Rating: T

Codes: S/U, Saavik

Summary: Fifteen months after Uhura is transferred to the Lexington, she and Spock must make some difficult decisions. This takes place after the events described in the following stories:

A Woman's Touch

The Taste of Snow

Almost a Kiss

You Could Even Say She Glows

The Flame Within

Fire, Wind, and Water 1: What the West Wind Saw

Fire, Wind, and Water 2: The Isle of Joy

Fire, Wind, and Water 3: Dialogue of the Wind and Sea

Fire, Wind, and Water 4: Bells Through the Leaves

Fire, Wind, and Water 5: Gardens in the Rain

Note that this is the final part of Fire, Wind, and Water: The Debussy Suite.

Disclaimer: Paramount owns Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Uhura, and company. I have just borrowed them for a while, and I will not profit from any of this.

Thanks to Claude Debussy for his piano composition, "Ondine," from which the title was taken.

A very special thanks to Gayle Rochefort-Potts, Don Buchan, and Jane St. Clair, who each supplied me with a beautiful translation from the French. I used all three translations to assemble the version below, and any awkwardness is solely my own fault.

"Fire, Wind, and Water: The Debussy Suite won 1st place for "Best S/U Story," 3rd place for "Best TOS Story" and Honorable Mention for "Best Overall Story" in the 1998 Golden O Awards.

Feedback is desired.

…..

ONDINE

Aloysius Bertrand

Publie d'apres l'edition du Mercure de France, 1908

_ Ecoute! -Ecoute! - C'est moi, c'est Ondine qui frole de ces_

_gouttes d'eau les losanges sonores de ta fenetre illuminee par_

_les mornes rayons de la lune; et voici, en robe de moire, la_

_dame chatelaine qui contemple a son balcon la belle nuit etoilee_

_et le beau lac endormi._

_ Chaque flot est un ondin qui nage dans le courant, chaque_

_courant est un sentier qui serpente vers mon palais, et mon_

_palais est bati fluide, au fond du lac, dans le triangle du_

_feu, de la terre et de l'air._

_ Ecoute! - Ecoute! - Mon pere bat l'eau coassante d'une_

_branche d'aulne verte, et mes soeurs caressent de leurs bras_

_d'ecumeles fraiches iles d'herbes, de nenuphars et de glaieuls,_

_ou se moquent du saule caduc et barbu qui peche a la ligne. _

_Sa chanson murmuree, elle me supplia de recevoir son anneau a_

_mon doigt, pour etre l'epoux d'une Ondine, et de visiter avec_

_elle son palais, pour etre le roi des lacs._

_Et comme je lui repondais quie j'aimais une mortelle, boudeuse_

_et depitee, elle pleura quelques larmes, poussa un eclat de_

_rire, et s'evanouit en giboulees qui ruisselerent blanches le_

_long de mes vitraux bleus._

…

"Listen! Listen! It is I, Ondine, adorning your moonlit

windows with melodious water droplets; I am here, in a moire

gown, the Queen Nymph, who from my castle balcony contemplates

the lake of starry night.

"Each wave is a sprite who swims in the stream, each stream a

winding path toward my palace, and my palace is built of water,

at the bottom of the lake, in the triangle of fire, earth, and

air.

"Listen! Listen! My father slaps the water with a green

alder-branch, and my sisters caress with their arms of foam

fresh grass islands, of water-lilies and gladiolas, and mock

the frail and bearded willow as he fishes in the stream."

Her melody sung, she begged me to accept her ring on my finger,

asking me to be husband to a queen, and to go with her to her

palace, to be king of her lakes.

And as I responded to whom I loved, denying her, she cried some

tears and burst out laughing, and vanished in a stream of

never-ending white and blue stained-glass windows.

…..

Ondine, chapter 1

"Check."

"Check."

"I bet four."

"Four? I'll see your four and raise you two."

They all turned toward Uhura expectantly. The betting was already up to six-Joshua must have felt like he had something pretty good, but Ravi had even upped Josh's bet. She pretended to think very hard about it, hesitantly meeting Ravi's eyes before her gaze slid back to the five cards in her hand. Hmmm... Ravi was so ebullient that he could never hide anything from her, and she could tell by the look on his face that he already knew he would win. Well, she'd just see about that. After all, she had her reputation as poker champ of the Lexington to uphold.

Her motions overtly cautious, she stacked six chips and placed them in the center of the table.

"Call."

As the betting came around again, Carolyn tossed her cards onto the table with disgust, then Anton did the same. It was down to just Joshua, Ravi, and herself.

Joshua eyed Ravi for a moment, then picked up three chips. "Okay, Ravi. I'll see your two and raise one."

Immediately tossing three chips onto the table, Ravi said, "See your one, raise another two."

Uhura lowered her eyes so no one could see that a smile threatened to creep across her lips. This was perfect! Intent on each other, Josh and Ravi would drive up the bidding without paying a bit of attention to her. Maybe one of them would even fold. She unobtrusively met the current bet again. Back to Josh.

As Josh and Ravi studied each other, Uhura felt someone nudge her foot. Daring a quick peek, she met Carolyn's eyes. The older woman winked, and Uhura looked back down before anyone else noticed.

The betting came back around twice more, and each time Uhura bet just the bare minimum. The pile of chips in the middle of the table grew huge, and she began to have second thoughts. She was so confident that she could beat their hands, but she'd never seen Ravi and Josh act like this. Finally, though, the betting slowed to a stop, and it was time to show their cards.

Joshua went first. Visibly tense, he placed his cards on the table, and Anton laughed out loud at the sight.

Reaching for his partner's hand, Anton crowed, "Wonderful, Josh! A full house!"

Poor Josh. His relief at Anton's approval would be short-lived. Those three fives and two eights wouldn't get him far tonight, no sir.

His smile brilliant enough to power the ship, Ravi slapped his cards down on the table. "Full house, queen high!" He reached for the pile of chips.

Uhura rested her hand lightly on his arm and purred, "Rather sure of yourself, aren't you Ravi?" His shameless game of flirtation never ended, and she enjoyed this chance to turn the tables.

He shook his head. "Ah, Nyota. I can see that you are going to break my heart, yet again."

Raising an eyebrow, she turned her cards over one at a time. "You know it, darling. Six, six, six, six, king. Four of a kind."

"Ah!" He covered his face in mock sorrow as she scraped the pile of chips over to her side of the table.

Anton, Joshua, and Carolyn stood. While the two men headed over to the sideboard to refresh their drinks, Carolyn walked around the table and hugged Ravi's neck. "Ravi, when will you ever learn? You can't trust that woman any farther than you can throw her!"

"Oh, but that is why I adore her so. She is so beautiful as she rips my heart out and stomps it to a pulp. Someday she will see the error of her ways and succumb to my irresistible charm."

"Give it up, Ravi!" Anton poured a generous splash of whisky into his glass and laughed. "You know that she has a passionate lover hidden away somewhere."

Ravi leaned close to Uhura. "Someday _her _heart will be broken," he said in a stage whisper, "and I will be right here, waiting to pick up the pieces."

Uhura's voice equally soft, she said, "Don't count on it, handsome."

Carolyn wandered back to the table. "Speaking of your mystery lover, Nyota, I haven't heard much about him for a while."

Uhura began stacking her chips. Trying her best to keep dismay from coloring her tone, she said, "Oh, we've been having a little trouble getting together recently. We had hoped to have a short visit last month, but it fell through. Sometimes our schedules just don't mesh."

"I'm sure that's true," Carolyn said sympathetically. "Do you know when you'll see him again?"

Uhura smiled as if she didn't have a care in the world. "As a matter of fact, we're taking leave together next week. We've been planning this for ages, and I can't wait."

She finally looked up and met Carolyn's eyes. Even though her act seemed to fool the others, she knew that Carolyn could see right through her. This upcoming trip with Spock was so important, the focus of her highest hopes, especially after her crushing disappointment last month when he had canceled at the last minute. Granted, a communications workshop wasn't glamorous, but the topics would have interested him, and they would have had two relaxing evenings together. She couldn't believe it when the Enterprise had been sent to study that collapsing star! Of course, there had been no way he could miss it, but still...

She had kept her dejection to herself at the time, but Carolyn was astute. Uhura had no doubt she'd noticed her friend's unhappiness last month, and noticed her friend's forced cheerfulness now.

Carolyn nodded reassuringly. "You'll have a lovely time on vacation, Nyota."

All teasing gone, Ravi patted her hand. "Yes, I hope you have a lovely time, Nyota. Truly, I do not wish for you to have a broken heart." He grinned again. "One of us is enough."

Laughing despite her underlying uneasiness, Uhura felt a wave of real warmth toward her friends. Carolyn was a rock, solid and supportive, and even though Ravi went overboard sometimes with his suggestive wordplay, she counted him among her dearest friends. He was cheerful and reliable, affectionate and uncomplicated and outgoing. And always, always fun.

She shook off her concerns and picked up the deck of cards. Shuffling, she said, "Chicago stud, deuces wild. You four need to win some of these chips back! It would be such a shame if I took home everything tonight."

They gathered around the table as she began to deal.

...

Carrying a steaming cup of tea, Spock sat down at his desk and addressed the computer.

"Computer. List new messages."

"Working. You have nine new messages. Message from Starfleet Division of Personnel concerning assignment of new mineralogist. Message from Starfleet accounting concerning projected cost-of-living increases for 2276. Message from Saavik, personal. Message from Nyota Uhura, personal. Message from-"

"Computer." He paused, uncertain whether to hear Saavik's or Nyota's message first, but finally decided that it would be reasonable to listen to them chronologically. "Play message from Saavik."

The screen brightened, and he saw Saavik's serious face.

"Greetings, Spock! Today Mr. Thras made all of his students practice for the graduation. I did not understand why everyone was so excited about it. All we did was find our assigned seat, walk up one side of the stage and pretend to accept our diploma, then walk back down the other side of the stage and return to our seat! It was not an efficient use of our time, but when I attempted to explain that to Mr. Thras, he told me to be quiet and observant and I would see why we had to do it. And do you know what? He was right! Several foolish children did not understand. And the stupid boy next to me made rude noises every time Mr. Thras was not looking. I did not find it humorous at all and told him to stop, but he did not listen to me.

"When I came home from school, Margaret said that she is going to give a special present to me and Elizabeth when we graduate! Elizabeth wants new hoverskates, but I wish to have a pet. A real pet, not an insect or a tribble. Insects do not like it when I hold them, and a tribble just sits there doing nothing at all. I saw a lizard at the store, a big lizard with ruffles around his neck, and that is the pet I want. Margaret said that she would think about it.

"Tomorrow we are going on a field trip to the new school. It is much bigger than my old school, and it has a science lab and everything! And it is only for big children. Not for stupid little ones.

"I must go! Remember, only six days until you come visit me. Saavik out."

Spock gazed fondly at her image until it vanished. Saavik was quite excited about her upcoming graduation ceremony, and her excitement was contagious. Indeed, he could not deny that he was experiencing a certain eagerness as well. This was a landmark event for her, and he was pleased-and he must admit, proud-to share it with her. He was also most anxious to see Nyota again. Seventy-seven standard days had passed since they were last together, and their parting conversation had not been a pleasant one.

He lifted his tea to his lips as he reviewed the words they had spoken that day. Each harboring his or her own private doubts, a gulf had yawned between them. She had asked him what he wanted; he had told her he did not know. She had requested that he work with her to make things right again; he had countered that he would try his best. But they both had known that his 'best' might not be enough to satisfy her.

He had actually come very close that day to terminating their relationship, but in the end he had been unable to do it. He wanted her. Very much. That was a simple truth. The untruth between them, however, was insidious and complicated, and until he knew his own mind, he could not share his guilty secrets with her. And she was much too perceptive to miss the fact that he was hoarding something, keeping part of himself from her.

It was clear that he had disappointed her terribly when he canceled their plans last month, but better disappointment than more accusations, more recriminations, more evasions and half-truths and hurtful words. He knew the unpleasantness would have continued, because he was still uncertain. Uncertain about himself, uncertain about her. Would she still want him when she learned all there was to learn? Could he bear the thought that he might hurt her someday, either physically or emotionally? Could he sustain the level of intimacy she desired, build the type of life she wanted, share himself fully, satisfy her needs?

Could he make her happy?

He took a deep breath. "Computer. Play message from Nyota Uhura."

Her beautiful face appeared on his screen.

"Computer. Pause message."

Frozen just as she raised her eyes to speak, her gaze was clear and intelligent, the long, dark lashes framing perfectly symmetrical brown eyes. The smile that gently curved her lips brought an unexpected tightness to his chest-that smile was reserved only for him. Even through their troubled times, she smiled at no one else like that. His voice was rough when he spoke again.

"Computer. Resume message."

"Hello, Spock. I went for a walk in the arboretum last night, and I thought of you. My roses are beautiful, and so popular that the chief botanist is accepting suggestions for additional varieties. We may end up with a whole rose garden. I spoke with Crewman O'Donnell, and he apologized for dousing us. Again. As a matter of fact, that's probably about the hundredth time he's apologized." She chuckled. "I guarantee you that he knows exactly where the sprinkler control is located now.

"I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to our trip to Gamma Cygnus. Saavik is so excited. I get a message from her nearly every day! In today's message she said that Margaret promised the girls a party, with all the strawberries and popcorn they can eat. It sounds like a real blow-out to me!"

She paused, searching as if she could really look into his eyes, then smiled her intimate smile again. "We'll have a good time, Spock. I'm sure we will. Talk to you soon. Uhura out."

The screen faded. Knowing that his request was illogical, he said, "Computer. Play message from Nyota Uhura."

Leaning back in his chair, he sipped his tea and watched her smile once more.

End chapter 1


	2. Chapter 2

Ondine, chapter 2

Scowling, Kirk strode into the science lab and looked around. He nodded politely as a number of faces turned in his direction, but none of them possessed the solemn countenance he sought. After a moment, he heard voices from another room, and he knew where he would find his first officer.

He stopped in the doorway. "Spock."

Turning from where he gazed over a young man's shoulder, Spock removed his safety goggles. "Yes, Admiral?"

"Do you have a minute to talk?"

"Of course. You may continue without me, Ensign."

Spock returned the goggles to the bin, then walked with Kirk to the corridor. Despite his reluctance to impart this information, Kirk almost smiled when he saw his friend surreptitiously studying him. Although Spock didn't ask a single question, it was clear he had detected that Kirk had something unpleasant to say, and he was trying his best to decipher Kirk's body language. When they were finally alone, Kirk stopped and faced him.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news, Spock."

"So I gathered. I would assume from your bearing, however, that it is not catastrophic."

He nodded. "It's about Coridon. The Andorians and the Tellarites are bickering over dilithium rights again."

"That is not a surprise."

"No, that's nothing new. What is new is that a few days ago the Andorians decided to back up their claim with a show of strength and brought in troops. It's not a large force, only a dozen men or so, but the Tellarites feel threatened and filed a formal complaint before the Federation Council. They claim that the Andorians violated the agreement your father helped negotiate ten years ago. The Coridians are caught in the middle."

"And the Enterprise has been assigned to help mediate."

"Correct. I'm sorry, Spock. I know that you've been planning this trip with Uhura for quite some time, but the Coridians specifically asked for you, me, the Enterprise, and your father. According to our orders, he's already on his way, and we're to meet him there in three days."

"I see. Saavik will be extremely disappointed, but she comprehends the meaning of duty. I will contact Nyota and explain the situation. Perhaps we can schedule our visit for a better time."

"Tell Commander Uhura that I'm sorry to screw up her plans."

"She is a Starfleet officer. She will understand."

...

"What? You can't make it?"

Uhura stared at Spock's face in disbelief. When she had answered the comm just moments before, her heart had beat faster with the sheer pleasure of a real, live exchange with him and not just another recorded message. In an instant, though, her high hopes had plummeted, dashed again by yet another cancellation.

"I am sorry, Nyota, but I have no choice in this matter. The Coridians asked for me by name."

"Well, just tell them no!" A niggling little voice in the back of her head told her that her attitude was unfair, but she ignored it. "You scheduled this leave a long time ago. Tell them that it's too late for you to change your plans."

"You know that I cannot do that. This is my duty."

"What about your duty to Saavik? She will be absolutely crushed."

He looked down regretfully, but she pressed on, unwilling to make this any easier for him. "Saavik is counting on you," she said.

"I know, but that does not change the fact that I must go to Coridon. Forgive me, Nyota."

"I'm not asking you to do this for me, Spock. While I'm unhappy that I won't get to see you, I'm mainly thinking of Saavik. This is really important to her."

"I am aware of that," he said firmly.

She gazed at him for a moment without speaking, then nodded. "All right. Saavik will just have to understand."

"I researched flight availability and tentatively rescheduled our trip for stardate 4085.2. I anticipate resolution to the Coridian affair within two point eight standard weeks, and if you are able to reschedule your leave, we could visit Saavik at that time."

Softening at his attempt to find a compromise, she shook her head. "Oh Spock, I'd love to go with you then, but I'm sorry. I'm not missing Saavik's graduation."

He frowned. "You plan to attend without me?"

"Yes. I do."

He paused, then sighed. "Very well. Perhaps that is best. I will contact Saavik and inform her of the change in plans. Have a safe journey, Nyota. We will speak soon."

"Thanks, Spock. We'll miss you. I'll miss you."

He studied her eyes for a long moment before nodding.

"Spock out," he said quietly.

The screen became blank again. Unmoving, unseeing, she gazed at it while dark, murky thoughts swirled through her mind. The last time she was with him, they had hit some rough spots in their relationship. She had felt that they could work it out, but each time she had tried to talk to him via subspace communication, really talk to him, he had dodged the issues she raised. So, while the sensible part of her brain said that he simply needed to be face-to-face with her in order to comfortably discuss things, the fanciful part of her brain had worked on their difficulties, poking and prodding until they festered into major problems. And now this. Another cancellation. Now, even the rational side of her brain had cause for concern.

So. She could tell that he truly regretted having to change their plans, but had she detected some relief, too? It had always been so easy for the two of them to communicate, through ten years of friendship, through two years of intimacy, but now... He wouldn't talk, he wouldn't see her. What was going on?

...

His hands clasped loosely behind his back, Spock stood before the transporter pad and awaited the arrival of the dignitaries. Admiral Kirk, beside him, curled his fingers into fists, undoubtedly remembering his unpleasant conversation this morning with the Tellarite delegation. Spock had been quite impressed with the admiral's restraint. Indeed, bringing all aggrieved parties to one neutral location had proved to be an exercise in restraint, on his own part as well as Kirk's.

It was ironic that they found themselves back in the midst of friction over Coridon almost ten Standard years to the day after the historic signing of the agreement now in dispute. Tensions had flared then no less than now, leaving a tawdry trail of discord, espionage, and even murder, but in the end calmer heads had prevailed, and the creation of the Babel Accord had been the result. Perhaps the voice of reason would be heard today as well, and the conflict could be resolved quickly. Of course, even if it were resolved quickly, it would still be too late for him to join Nyota on Gamma Cygnus.

If her flight had proceeded on schedule, she was only minutes away from landing. Saavik was certainly looking anxiously into the sky at this very moment, hoping to catch the first glimpse of the shuttle, her eyes bright with joy and excitement. He cast his own gaze downward as he thought of the disappointment that had filled those same eyes when he informed her that he could not attend her graduation. She had tried her best to pretend that she understood, even reversing their roles as she attempted to assuage his dismay at missing such a momentous event. She was maturing rapidly. If he were not careful, she would reach adulthood without his even having witnessed her journey.

A signal from the transporter console interrupted his reverie.

"Admiral, Ambassador Sarek's party is ready to come aboard," said Mr. Scott.

Kirk grinned quickly in Spock's direction. "Good. I was hoping that Sarek would arrive first. Energize."

Spock watched as the figures of his father, his mother, and his father's assistant materialized before him.

Kirk stepped forward. "Welcome Ambassador, Lady Amanda."

Sarek nodded. "Thank you, Admiral. May I present my aide, Tavik."

As greetings were exchanged all around, Spock met his mother's eyes. Only moments before, he had been reflecting on the similarities between today's events and those events of ten point one years ago, but for him, personally, there was one tremendous difference-the recognition and acceptance in Sarek's expression as father met son. He could see by his mother's approving smile that she noted the difference, too.

She moved close and spoke in a tone meant for his ears only. "Hello, Spock. It's so good to see you."

"And you, Mother. You appear well."

"I am, son. Even though these talks won't be easy for anyone involved, I can't say I'm sorry to be here. It's so nice to be back on the Enterprise with you and your friends."

They all turned at another signal from the transporter console.

Smiling apologetically, Scott said, "Aye, Admiral. It's the Tellarite delegation this time. And the Andorians are ready to beam over, too."

Kirk sighed in mock exasperation. "All right. Guess we had to face up to this eventually. Energize."

Spock watched Kirk square his shoulders, then smile his most charming smile as he stepped forward to welcome the Tellarite delegation. Fascinating, how adept humans were at gracious deception.

Soon, the Andorians joined them, and the wrangling began in earnest before they had even exited the transporter room.

...

"Jules Urschel."

Uhura watched the small, tow-headed boy rise from his seat just as Saavik settled back into hers. Since the child seated on the other side of Saavik was a girl, this must be the boy who had become well known for his rude noises. She grinned. He looked like such an angelic child that it was hard to believe he was the mischief-maker who had so tormented Saavik during their rehearsals. He smiled sweetly at Mr. Thras as he accepted his diploma, then clomped across the stage, obviously unaccustomed to his shiny brown shoes.

"Serenta Vrath."

Jules waited patiently in the aisle as Serenta slipped past him, her white hair slicked back into a ponytail and her antennae bobbing, then he found his seat again. As soon as he was in place, he turned toward Saavik with obvious adoration in his eyes, then pressed the back of his hand against his mouth and blew a raspberry. Uhura almost laughed out loud. Although she couldn't hear him, the expression on Saavik's face was priceless. She looked just like Spock, her chin high and her eyebrow raised with exaggerated patience.

Uhura gazed up at the stage, which was bedecked with a big banner painted by the children. Oh, how she wished that Spock could have been here today! The auditorium was bursting with proud parents, aunts, uncles, siblings, grandparents, friends... And she had been no less proud than any of them when the principal had called Saavik's name. Saavik had stood tall, then strode efficiently up to the stage and accepted her diploma with aplomb and dignity. And as she had approached the steps that would take her back down to her seat, she had looked up and sought out their little group, her face shining with triumph. Uhura had been embarrassed to find a tear glimmering in the corner of her eye, but when she had glanced over at Margaret and Phillip, she had seen that she wasn't the only sentimental person in the crowd.

As the last child took her seat, Margaret nudged Uhura and whispered, "The awards are next. I ran into Mr. Thras at the market a couple of days ago, and he said that we should have our camera ready. Elizabeth did so well in the spelling bee that she's bound to get the spelling award, and I'll bet Saavik gets either the science or the math award. Maybe both."

Leaning over, Uhura looked past Margaret and grinned when she saw Phillip raise the holocam to his eye. "I see you already alerted your technical crew."

"You bet," replied Margaret. "And I have a blank wafer so we can make a copy for Spock. I still can't believe he's missing this."

Uhura quickly faced forward. "I know," she said lightly. "He wasn't happy about it, but when duty calls, there's not much anyone can do. Oh, look-are those the medals they're going to give the children? How exciting!"

Uhura knew that Margaret continued watching her for a moment, but eventually she turned back toward the stage when the principal began to name the members of the various clubs. This was a big school, and as the list droned on, Uhura allowed her mind to wander.

Spock was missing something special, not just the ceremony today but so much more, and his absence had overshadowed everything she had said or done from the moment she landed at the Dantrian spaceport. She hadn't been able to squash her last foolish hope that she might emerge from the shuttle door and find him waiting for her, the Coridon mission forgotten in the face of their trip, but of course no one was there but Margaret and the girls. Uhura had swallowed her disappointment while smiling with unfeigned delight. But she had not stopped thinking of him.

When they had flown over the beautiful countryside, she had wished he could see it. When they had decorated the house for the post-graduation party, she had imagined his amused tolerance as the girls bossed him around. And when they had walked in the evening, she had remembered the feel of his solid presence next to her, the warm dust between her toes, and the cool air against her body when he had lifted her skirt under a brilliant canopy of stars.

The jangling of the medals jolted her back to reality, and she returned her attention to the ceremony. She would remember every detail, and when she saw Spock again she'd describe it all.

If they had time to talk about anything other than their problems.

Before she could stop it, the rebellious thought had flitted through her mind. She pushed it away, refusing to allow it to seize control, willing herself to let nothing spoil this day.

When she saw Spock again, she'd describe how composed and beautiful Saavik was on this proud day.

...

"Feinstein to Spock."

Spock crossed his quarters and pressed the switch on the intercom.

"Spock here."

"Commander? I just reached the main communications relay on Marinius Prime. They're putting your call through to Gamma Cygnus now. Do you want me to let you know when your party on Gamma Cygnus answers?"

"I will hold."

"All right. It should be just another minute or two."

Spock transferred the call to his computer and settled himself at his desk. He had just reached up to adjust his collar when Lieutenant Feinstein's image appeared on the screen.

"The comm unit at the Santos house is signaling," said Feinstein, "so I'll disconnect now."

"Very well. Thank you, Lieutenant."

"You're welcome, Commander. I was glad to help.

Lieutenant Feinstein's image faded, only to be replaced a moment later by Phillip Santos' smiling face.

"Hello, Spock! It's good to see you."

"Greetings, Phillip. Am I to assume from the sounds of revelry that the graduation party is underway?"

"Oh, you bet. Margaret and the girls have been planning this for weeks. You should see this place. Streamers all over the den and a big cake in the center of the dining room table. I'll let Saavik tell you all about it."

"I have no doubt that she will describe everything in great detail."

Phillip chuckled. "Hang on a moment, and I'll get her."

Spock waited patiently as Phillip called for Saavik. An instant later, he heard the sound of quick footsteps, and Saavik threw herself down in the chair. Not even allowing him the chance to say hello, she immediately launched into a breathless description of the day.

"Greetings, Spock! You are missing a very good party. Margaret made all our favorite foods and let us each invite three classmates. You should have seen me at graduation! When Phillip sends you a copy of his holotape, watch and you will see that I did not make a single mistake. And my diploma is very impressive! Margaret said that she will put it in a frame for me. And guess what! I won both the science award and the math award! And Elizabeth won the spelling award. The stupid boy who sat next to me at graduation won nothing, but I was not surprised, because anyone who cannot sustain his attention during a one-hour graduation ceremony certainly cannot pay attention during school. Oh! And you should see what Margaret and Phillip got me for a graduation present!"

Spock opened his mouth to attempt a reply, but Saavik jumped up and ran away. He raised an eyebrow in amusement and folded his hands on the desk, and soon her footsteps heralded her return.

"LOOK!" She thrust a huge, red lizard up to the screen. Caught off-guard, he sat back quickly, but she did not seem to notice as she continued her monologue. "Margaret got me the lizard I wanted! He is an Andorian flame lizard. He is not really hot. He is just called a flame lizard because of his color. Look at the big ruffles around his neck! Nyota said that he looks like a dragon, so we named him 'Joka.' That is 'dragon' in Swahili!"

Finally, she stopped and waited for him to speak.

He could not resist taking a deep breath, for he felt rather winded simply from listening to her.

"Very good, Saavikam. I am most pleased with your awards. Truly, they are quite an accomplishment. And I think that Joka is a fitting name for your lizard. I would like to hear more about today's ceremony-"

A child's gleeful shriek from the background interrupted him, and Saavik whipped around in her chair. Not turning fully back to the screen, she said, "That was Elizabeth! She told Margaret that she wished to play a game called 'musical chairs.' It is most curious. I inspected the chairs closely, but I could see no sort of unusual device. I do not understand, therefore, how the chairs could be musical. Margaret was just attempting to explain it to me when you called."

Careful to mirror her serious expression, Spock said, "In that case, Saavikam, perhaps you should rejoin the party. I would not wish to deprive you of the opportunity to learn about 'musical chairs.'"

"Of course, you are correct." Moving as if to stand, she stopped herself at the last moment and faced the screen again. "Oh, and Spock, when you come to visit me next month, perhaps I can teach _you_ about musical chairs. After all, I know that you are very fond of music. I will call Nyota now!"

Not waiting for his response, she yelled, "Nyota!" at the top of her lungs, then bolted out of her seat. The last thing he saw was the tip of the lizard's tail. A moment later, he heard the sound of sedate footsteps, and Nyota sat in the seat before him.

She appeared a bit bedraggled as she pushed an errant lock of hair away from her face. Smiling, she leaned back heavily in the chair and exhaled. "Whew! A reprieve!"

"I did not realize that 'musical chairs' was so strenuous."

"It's not the game-it's the level of competition. I'm glad you took me away from there. One more heavy foot on my toes or elbow in my ribs, and I would have conceded the match. It's much better this way. Now I can preserve my reputation as a tough competitor."

He gazed appreciatively at her face for a long moment, then finally said, "Saavik seemed very excited about her day."

"Oh, yes. I wish you could have seen her. She was so proud she practically glowed. It was such a special day."

"I am certain that it was. She told me that she received recognition for her accomplishments in both science and math."

"She was the only child to win more than one award! They gave her two shiny medals on ribbons, and while she claims that she thinks they're silly, I can tell that she really likes them." She leaned forward on her elbows. "How's everything going there?"

"Quite well, actually. Of course, we devoted yesterday to ensuring that all of the delegates arrived and were adequately situated, but the first series of talks today went smoothly. I cannot claim that the Tellarites and the Andorians actually agreed on any of the major points, but they did appear willing to listen to one another."

"That _is _good. I was afraid that they might have killed one another by now."

"There have been no murders. Yet."

She chuckled. "So. When do you think we'll be able to get together again?"

"I cannot say. Since I rescheduled my visit with Saavik, it might be difficult to find time for another trip in the near future."

"It doesn't have to be a long trip. Maybe there's a conference we'd both enjoy, or a music festival. Or even if we could just find a central point to meet, I don't care if nothing else is going on. I just want to see you."

"Very well. I will consider our possibilities."

"Do, Spock. Please do. We really need to talk."

"I agree, Nyota."

They gazed at one another for a long moment, but finally she looked toward the other room and sighed. "I suppose that I should rejoin the others."

"Yes. Enjoy the remainder of your trip, and I will contact you when you return to the Lexington."

"All right. I wish you were here, Spock."

"As do I." He nodded slowly. "Spock out."

She vanished. His eyes still on the dark screen, he thought of her words. _We need to talk_. Yes, they did. He was not certain what they would say to one another, but they did need to talk.

He turned on his computer and began to search for a location that would be convenient for both of them sometime in the near future.

End chapter 2


	3. Chapter 3

Ondine, chapter 3

"Saavik, I think that Joka is happy with his new home."

Sitting cross-legged on her mattress, Saavik gazed at the terrarium beside the bed. "He is a lizard. Lizards have no emotions."

Beside her, Uhura smiled. "He might not have emotions like Margaret or me, for instance, but he can feel happiness. In a, uh, very basic, lizardy sort of way."

Raising an eyebrow, Saavik thought about it for a moment, then said, "He does appear content. Is that an emotional state?"

"I think it is. Watch how eagerly he's eating that banana. That's because he likes it. Why, he has food, water, a cozy home, and someone to scratch his back every now and then. What more could he want?"

"It does not take much to make him happy."

"He's an uncomplicated creature. His needs are simple, but as long as they're satisfied, he's happy. I suppose you could say the same thing about any of us."

"It takes much more than an overripe banana and a back scratch to satisfy me, although I would certainly not refuse a back scratch."

Chuckling, Uhura said, "Oh, your needs are definitely different than his, but what I meant was that for any of us, if our needs are met we're happy. If our needs aren't met, we're unhappy. It's pretty fundamental, really."

"Perhaps."

Obviously bored with the discussion, Saavik jumped up and lifted Joka out of his cage, where he was rooting around in search of more banana. She settled back onto the bed and tickled his back, completely captivated by her new pet.

As Uhura watched, she thought about what she'd said. If your needs are met, you're happy. If your needs aren't met, you're unhappy. Was it really that simple? She'd been awfully unhappy recently. Evidently her needs weren't being met. So, what were her needs? She folded her hands in her lap as she thought about it.

Career? Going great. Friendship? Ditto. Laughter? Generally speaking, lots of laughter. Love? Well...

That one wasn't so easy. If all she needed was to love someone, she should be fine, because she certainly loved Spock with all her heart. So, evidently just loving someone wasn't enough. Being loved in return? Spock wasn't demonstrative. "Love" didn't even mean the same thing to him as it did to her, but she'd understood that right from the start. And she'd always been okay with it. She'd known that he loved her in his own way.

So what was the problem?

Recently he had been so distant, as if he was holding some part of himself away from her. He'd always been aloof, but that was actually one of the qualities that had first drawn her to him. Why would it bother her now? Because...

Chewing on her lip as she thought about it, she frowned and looked down at her hands.

Because he seemed so unhappy.

That was it.

He'd always been very protective of his personal space, but now it was different somehow. He appeared almost fearful of opening up to her, whereas before he had merely been self-contained. She'd seen a look in his eyes recently, something she had seen many times before but never in response to her, a troubled withdrawal that was almost always a reaction to some external force with which he couldn't cope.

No, that wasn't quite right...

Not just an 'external force,' but specifically a person who invaded his emotional space or a situation that goaded him into an emotional reaction. Very few of his crewmates could read him well enough to pick up such subtle changes in his behavior, but she had always been able to spot them. His unhappiness had always been clear to her. How could she have missed it? And for so long? Because now that she actually thought about it, she saw that it had been evident as long ago as their trip to England.

So why was he unhappy? This brought her back to her original notion-which of his needs were not being met?

She needed intimacy. Maybe... he needed privacy. She needed lots of physical contact. Maybe he needed space. She needed open, honest sharing. Could it be that he required distance? She needed a love that would never stop growing, but had he reached his limits, stretched beyond his endurance and his capabilities? Could it be that what she needed was in direct opposition to what he needed? Could it be that her own happiness could only make him miserable, and vice versa?

Could it be? Could it?

"Nyota!" Saavik jumped up and put the lizard back in his cage. "May we listen to some music? Margaret and I have our very own player now."

Uhura forced her thoughts back to the moment and tried to smile despite the agitated, miserable tightness in her chest. "Of course, Saavik. What do you want to hear?"

"Debussy." Saavik reached up to the shelf and brought down her small audio unit. "As you can see, I have programmed it with a wide selection of works."

"All right." Uhura turned it on and studied the display. "How about 'Clair de Lune'?"

"No, we listened to that yesterday. I want to hear something new."

"Well, that rules out over half of these. Hmmm... Here." Keying her selection, Uhura said, "Here's one I'll bet you've never heard. It's for the piano. 'Ondine.'"

"'Ondine.' That is a curious name. It is not descriptive like most of Debussy's other names."

The first lilting tone clusters danced softly into the room. Trying her best to think about nothing more than the music, Uhura took a deep breath. "Oh, but it _is_ descriptive. Very descriptive. Have you ever heard the legend of Ondine?"

"No." Saavik's eyes were big. "Will you tell me?"

A playful, ethereal flurry burst from Saavik's audio unit as if tiny elfin feet had brilliantly scampered up the keyboard. A moment later, the upward movement was echoed in another passage, but this time it was soft and enigmatic.

Uhura leaned toward Saavik and murmured, "Listen. There is magic in this music."

"Really?"

"Yes. Can you hear them? Mysterious, mythical creatures, beings of light and water, the essence of the earth, the sky, and the sea."

"Is Ondine one of them?"

"Yes! She is."

Suddenly, the notes began moving rapidly, the fluid, chromatic tones blurry as they swept gently up and down, back and forth.

Saavik pressed her lips together in concentration. "This sounds like water, but it's not big enough or fierce enough to be the ocean."

"Very good, Saavik. According to legend, Ondine lives in a lake. She's a water nymph."

A beautiful, clear melody rang out over the top of the watery tones, calling out enticingly for all to hear. The song was brief, however, and gradually the music became dark. Twisted now, the melody returned, but it whispered menacingly, driving forward to the accompaniment of a rhythmic, low rumble.

"Is a water nymph a good being or a bad one?" Saavik asked in a subdued voice.

Uhura matched her tone to Saavik's. "No one knows. They're capricious and unpredictable, but their intentions? Your guess is as good as mine. They hide themselves away, inhabiting all the lakes and rivers and streams. And Ondine is the queen of not only the water nymphs, but of the fish and the eels, and every creature that lives in the water."

"Tell me the story of Ondine, Nyota."

The music changed again, ebbing and flowing around them now, all danger banished in the face of a lazy, comfortable murmuring. After a moment, another voice was added, and then another, each blending sweetly to create an alluring ensemble that rose gently upward.

"As I said, Ondine was the queen of all creatures who lived in the water. She was beautiful, so beautiful, and she lived in a magnificent castle at the bottom of the largest, clearest lake. No one ever saw her, for she never left her castle, demanding instead that all her subjects come to her."

Uhura paused as the music continued to build, beckoning her forward in her tale. "But Ondine was lonely. She wanted a king to share her castle, and no matter how hard she looked among all her subjects, none of them captured her interest."

Saavik snorted softly. "I would not care to marry an eel, either."

"So you see her problem. One day, however, she happened to peer up to the shore, and whom did she see but a mortal man. He was strong, tall and handsome, and she fell in love with him immediately. She knew that she had to have him. Making her decision, she left her castle and swam up through the cool, clear water, and without hesitating another moment she rose from the surface of the lake."

"How did she do that?"

"Magic."

Saavik frowned but appeared to accept it, so Uhura continued. "Singing her most enticing song, she called to him. She begged him to come, to marry her and rule the kingdom of the water with her."

"What did he do?"

The music grew, sweeping lightly up the keyboard as Ondine sang her seductive song.

"He took one look at her and knew that he would give anything, anything at all to marry such a beautiful creature. He agreed, and she was overjoyed. She drew him into her arms and pulled him under the surface with her as she retreated to her magnificent castle."

Saavik's eyes were wide. "And he became her king?"

Fading now, the notes continued to sweep up and down.

Uhura shook her head sadly. "No. He drowned. You see, he was never meant to live in her world."

The music paused, then ended on a single sweet, perfect chord.

In the silence, Saavik whispered, "She killed him?"

Uhura could hardly speak. "Yes. Ondine loved him, but she took him where he was never meant to go."

Saavik considered it for a moment, then sat straight. "Well, they were both very foolish," she said briskly.

Uhura watched as Saavik put away the audio unit and retrieved her lizard again. The young girl was chattering about something, but Uhura didn't hear. Instead, her own words echoed through her mind.

_She took him where he was never meant to go._

And he drowned.

...

"...and as a result of our innocent attempt to increase production at mine 2c, that Andorian tyrant brought in his troops!"

Ambassador Gavis punctuated his remarks with the staccato of his hoof on the tabletop. Predicting that this remark would not go uncontested, Spock steepled his fingers as he turned toward the Andorian ambassador. Kirk emitted a heavy sigh next to him.

As expected, Ambassador Thrin was not pleased. Although his restrained demeanor did not match the Tellarite ambassador's theatricality, outrage was obvious in the hissing sibilants of his cold voice.

"A tyrant? You would call our esteemed regent a tyrant? He has been more than patient with your attempts to encroach on his territory. Repeatedly he requested that your people obey the strictures set forth by the treaty; repeatedly they ignored him. Finally, what choice did he have? None of this is his fault."

"Gentlemen." Sarek calmly interrupted the bickering. "Perhaps our time would be better used if we put aside the determination of fault for the moment. Each party obviously possesses legitimate grievances, but I suggest that we work to clarify the exact terms of the treaty so as to avoid such... 'confusion' in the future."

Gavis and Thrin glared at one another from either side of the table, but neither spoke. Apparently deciding to accept that as an affirmative response, Sarek keyed up the treaty. Again. As a matter of fact, he had been through the treaty four point two times since the beginning of this meeting, the last attempt having been interrupted by this argument. Spock was quite impressed by his father's patience.

Sarek looked up to ensure that he had the ambassadors' attention. "The first article of the treaty clearly states the exact cubic tonnage that may be exported by..."

Since he knew every word of the treaty, Spock saw no need to devote all his mental resources to Sarek's recitation. Instead, he decided to review his and Nyota's upcoming schedules in an attempt to determine a time when they could see one another. His computer search two nights ago had been unsuccessful, but perhaps there was a factor he had overlooked.

Immediately upon completion of the Coridon assignment, the Enterprise was scheduled to ferry medical supplies to the Aliki homeworld. While his presence was hardly crucial to that mission, the ship would pass near an inconsistent and unknown source of gamma radiation, and he would not wish to miss the opportunity to scan that area of space. After the Aliki mission, Spock had agreed to serve as a guest lecturer at the upcoming quantum electrodynamics symposium while the Enterprise docked at Starbase Nineteen for routine maintenance. Upon completion of repairs, both the Enterprise and the Constellation were slated to participate in the testing of the Excelsior prototype engine. The upcoming trial was already the focus of considerable attention, and as co-lead of the warp statistics team, Spock knew that he would find no time for any other pursuits.

The Lexington, on the other hand, still patrolled the neutral zone near Nistras Three. While the Klingons had largely accepted the explanation of Torsall's manipulations, there was still a great deal of uneasiness and mistrust to overcome, and it was unlikely that the Lexington would be free to depart anytime soon. Cautious talks had proceeded between the Klingons and Starfleet personnel, but progress was slow. Indeed, if it were not for the five-day observance of the Klingon holiday QI'lop, Nyota would not have been free to attend Saavik's graduation.

"'... and in exchange for these mining rights and the cooperation extended in the interest of goodwill, the citizens of Coridon will receive immediate consideration for membership within the Federation.'"

Spock brought his attention back to the proceedings as his father quoted the final clause in the treaty. Nyota would be back on board the Lexington late tomorrow. He would have to contact her then and explain that he could not discern how they could see one another within the next forty-three Standard days.

...

Adjusting the reading light, Uhura looked down at her padd again and focused on the words beneath her nose. The shuttle was very peaceful, and this could be the last quiet time she would have to herself for a while. Try as she might to take advantage of it, however, she couldn't find the inner serenity to match the tranquillity of her surroundings.

She smiled sadly as she thought about her parting words with Saavik:

"Nyota, remember! You said that you would take me back to the beach sometime."

"You bet, Saavik! We'll have to find a place with even bigger waves."

"That would be agreeable. And this place must have many shells! I would prefer not to compete with other people for the good shells, however. Perhaps we can locate an island somewhere so that it can be only the three of us. All alone!"

"Wouldn't that be wonderful? We'll see what we can do."

Uhura had given everyone hugs, despite the fact that Saavik had done her best to dodge the embrace, and then she walked down the corridor toward her shuttle. She had been smiling and laughing as she left, but inside the heavy sensation had returned. Saavik's innocent fantasy was so sweet-three happy people, living in a world all their own-but that's really all it was. A fantasy. A dream, a hope...

A sudden spasm contorted her face, and she turned toward the window and closed her eyes. Oh, how she had hoped and dreamed of a future for her and Spock, but was it really meant to be? What should she do? She just couldn't go on like this. Was it the best she could hope for? Hope. That wasn't hope. That was a lack of hope.

What did someone do when the hope was gone?

Finally, she turned off the reading light and tried to make herself comfortable in her seat. This would be a long, long flight, with nothing but her churning thoughts to keep her company.

End chapter 3


	4. Chapter 4

Ondine, chapter 4

Grinning at the man beside him, Kirk said, "It'll feel good to work off some of this frustration. I hope you won't mind if I pretend that you're Gavis and put a little extra oomph into my kicks."

Spock shed his jacket and hung it in the locker. "Not at all. Indeed, I have no doubt that Dr. McCoy would encourage such an outlet for your aggression, although I prefer that you do not tell him you see the Tellarite ambassador when you look at me."

Kirk chuckled. "Deal."

They both turned at the sound of the intercom. "Feinstein to Commander Spock."

Spock walked over to the intercom. "Spock here."

"Commander, I have a call for you from Gamma Cygnus. I was instructed to inform you that it isn't an emergency, and I'm not to interrupt you if you're busy."

Spock glanced over and met Kirk's eyes. Although no expression clouded Spock's face now, Kirk had seen alarm then relief play subtly across his features. Kirk tried not to smile as he thought of how his mother always reacted whenever he called at an odd hour. Spock might not really mind being likened to Ambassador Gavis, but he definitely would not want to know that he reminded Kirk of his own mother.

Kirk waved toward the door. "Go ahead. Sulu's in the gym. I'll work out with him."

Nodding, Spock turned back to the intercom. "Very well, Lieutenant. Transfer the call to my quarters. I will be there shortly. Spock out."

Spock returned to the locker and retrieved his jacket. "My apologies, Admiral. If possible, I will join you later."

"That's fine."

Kirk watched his friend leave, then finished changing into his workout clothes. He was going to get rid of some of this excess tension or else.

Poor Sulu wouldn't know what hit him.

...

Spock settled himself at his desk. "Spock to Feinstein."

"Feinstein here."

"I am prepared to accept the call."

"Yes, sir."

Feinstein's image vanished, and a moment later Saavik appeared on the screen.

"Greetings, Spock!"

Spock inclined his head. "Greetings, Saavikam. This is a pleasant surprise. I did not expect to speak with you again so soon."

"Margaret said that I could call you. I am going to play soccer with Elizabeth! Today was our first practice, and it was very informative. The coach said that I shall be the 'monster.' I thought that his remark was insulting at first, but Elizabeth explained that the monster is a position on the field, and that only the very fast and brave children are allowed to be the monster. I thought that you would be pleased to hear this!"

"Ah, yes. The... monster. That is most impressive."

"And we are going to have an excellent team. We will annihilate the Slime Devils this year. They think that they are the best team in the league, but we will demonstrate their error."

"Saavikam," Spock said sternly. "Have you not heard the old Earth adage, 'It is not whether you win or lose, it is how you play the game'?"

Saavik thought about it for a moment. "Our coach is not human. He must not have heard that saying. He said that we will kick their-"

"Saavik! That is enough." He took a deep breath. "Your enthusiasm is admirable, but I expect you always to remember to exhibit sportsmanlike conduct and a sense of fair play. Do as the coach tells you, put forth your best effort, and learn from the experience. Accept losing and winning graciously. Do you understand?"

She sighed heavily. "Yes, Spock. I understand. Will you come to one of our games?"

"If at all possible. I would very much like to watch you play."

"Nyota said that she would like to see a game, too. You and she shall have to arrange a trip to come here before the season is over."

"I will see what we can do. Did you and she have a pleasant visit?"

"Yes, it was very nice. It rained while she was here, so we were unable to go camping, but that did not matter. She said that she would just as soon spend 'quiet' time with me. Except for one afternoon when she took me, Elizabeth, and Rosa to the museum, we primarily stayed around the house. We watched my lizard and played card games. And we listened to music! Have you ever heard of 'Ondine'?"

"Indeed I have. Several composers wrote music based on the legend of Ondine. Am I correct in assuming that you listened to Debussy's composition?"

"Yes! Nyota told me all about how Ondine was queen of the water creatures, and how she lived in a big castle at the bottom of a lake. She wanted to have a husband, and one day she saw a man standing by the edge of the water. He was very handsome, and she decided that she wished to marry him."

Spock allowed the corner of his mouth to turn up as he listened to her recount the tale. The cadences of Nyota's speech were very evident in her words.

Oblivious to his amusement, Saavik continued. "She went up to the surface of the lake, and through some means with which I'm not entirely familiar, she rose up into the air. She asked the man to marry her, and he said yes because she was so beautiful and because he fell in love with her. When she took him down into the water with her, however, he drowned. It is a most unsatisfactory tale. I do not like how it ends."

"Did Nyota tell you that an alternate version of that legend exists? You might find it more agreeable."

"She did not. Will you tell me about it?"

"Of course. This version is very similar to the other, in that Ondine is queen of the water and wishes to wed the mortal man. When she asks him to marry her, however, he refuses."

"What happens then?"

"She displays an excessive emotional reaction and returns to her castle."

"What sort of reaction?"

"According to the legend, she bursts into tears, then laughs extravagantly."

"That is rather contradictory."

"I agree."

"He just said 'no'?"

"That is correct."

Saavik thought about it for a moment, obviously disturbed. "But why did he refuse? Did he not love her?"

"According to the legend, he cared for her very much, but he was wise. He knew that nothing awaited him but his own downfall, so he did not allow her to drag him beneath the water."

"Was he pleased with his decision?"

Spock raised an eyebrow at her persistence. "I do not know. One must use one's own imagination to supply the details."

She shook her head slowly. "This story is no less difficult to accept than the first."

"Do you not agree that he made the proper decision?"

"I am not certain. He saved himself, but it is still not an acceptable ending."

Spock was quiet for a long moment. Finally, he said, "Perhaps that is the purpose of the story, Saavikam, to demonstrate that there are situations in life that cannot have a so-called 'happy ending.'"

"Perhaps." Her eyes were uneasy as she gazed at him. "I will consider what you have said."

He nodded gently. Suddenly wishing to change the subject, he asked, "You did not tell me the name of your soccer team."

"We are the Tornadoes! Our colors are silver and blue. Margaret bought me some shoes with little spikes on the bottoms called 'cleats.' I have been practicing running and kicking the ball while wearing them."

"That is prudent."

She looked over her shoulder when Margaret called out, "Saavik! Time to get off."

Turning back, she said, "I must go. I will talk to you soon!"

"Goodbye, Saavikam. Please keep me informed as to your progress in soccer."

"I will! Goodbye."

The screen grew dark, and Spock could not resist shaking his head slightly. If nothing else, Saavik was certain to be the most enthusiastic player on the team. Learning to play by the rules would be a valuable lesson for her, although he could only hope that she did not injure another player before she learned the proper use of her cleats.

He continued to gaze at the screen. This had been a long call. As he projected Kirk's typical session in the gymnasium, he decided that the admiral was most likely deeply ensconced in a fencing match with Mr. Sulu. By the time Spock performed the tasks preparatory to joining him, Kirk would be through for the evening. Perhaps, then, this would be a good time to contact Nyota. He was slightly ahead of their accustomed schedule, but not significantly so.

He leaned toward the computer. "Spock to Lieutenant Feinstein."

Feinstein's image appeared on the screen. "Feinstein here."

"Lieutenant, please contact Commander Uhura on the Lexington for me."

"Yes, sir. Please hold."

Spock waited patiently while Feinstein put the call through. Finally, the screen brightened again, and this time Spock saw Nyota's smiling face.

"Spock! Hi."

"Greetings, Nyota. I trust that your trip was uneventful?"

"Oh, yes. Long, but that gave me plenty of time to read. How's everything going there?"

Spock permitted himself a small sigh. "The two ambassadors have not been able to reach any semblance of agreement. I may be forced to adjust my estimate of the duration of this mission, for we have made less progress than I anticipated."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"It has been rather tedious. I understand from Saavik that you enjoyed your visit to Gamma Cygnus."

"We had a great time. You should see her with that lizard! She's wild about it, and she's already trained it to come to her when she calls." She paused. "I really missed you, Spock. I wish you could have been there with me."

"As do I."

"Have you had any luck finding a time we can get together?" There was an odd uncertainty in her voice.

"I have not. Our schedules are full, and I can see no way-"

"Spock." She leaned toward the screen to emphasize her words. "There has to be a way."

"I have investigated all possibilities, Nyota."

"I'm sorry, but I can't accept that."

"You are free, of course, to perform your own inquiry, but you will discover that we cannot arrange a visit for at least forty-three days."

She ran her fingers across her forehead as if she had a headache. "We can't wait that long to talk."

"We are talking now," he said hesitantly.

She shook her head vigorously. "It isn't good enough! Spock, I'm really worried about us. We're drifting apart. Things aren't right between us anymore. We have got to find some time alone to try to work things out."

He frowned. "I see."

"So will you look again? Please, please try to figure out a way for us to be together. I'll look, too. Maybe you missed something."

Resisting the urge to tell her yet again that he had considered every possibility, he simply nodded. "Very well."

"Thank you."

A long, awkward pause stretched between them. Finally, in a voice choked with emotion, she said, "I love you, Spock. You know that, don't you?"

He regarded her cautiously. "Yes. I do."

She gazed at him for a long moment, then nodded and dropped her eyes. "Good."

They were both silent again. He did not know what else to say. Finally, he cleared his throat and murmured, "I will contact you soon."

"All right. Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Nyota. Spock out."

He cut the connection, and she faded from view. Even though the screen was dark, however, the image of her worried expression stayed before his eyes. She had been unhappy with him the last time they had parted and had expressed concern in their recent conversations, but he had assumed that her feelings were nothing more than a vague uneasiness. Suddenly, though, she seemed to be frightened, almost to the point of panic. What had changed? He, himself, had experienced great uncertainty for quite some time, but he thought that he had managed to conceal it from her. After all, there was no need to involve her until he knew his own mind. He could think of nothing he might have done recently to cause such a shift in her behavior.

Inhaling deeply, he closed his eyes and searched for his equilibrium. Her agitated emotional state was contagious, but he knew that he could solve nothing now. Dwelling on their problems would serve no purpose.

Finally, he rose and walked toward the door. Perhaps he _would_ go to the gymnasium and work out, even if Admiral Kirk was already finished.

End chapter 4


	5. Chapter 5

Ondine, chapter 5

As Uhura stood outside Carolyn's quarters and waited for her to answer the door, she tried to imagine what Carolyn wanted. Her friend had been very mysterious when she called earlier with her invitation, and as the day had progressed, Uhura had become more and more curious. They often got together in their off-hours, but they generally had a purpose in mind: a card game, an art class, a get-together in the rec lounge, dinner. But Carolyn hadn't given her a clue about what they were going to do tonight.

Finally, the door opened. When Uhura stepped into the room, she laughed out loud at the sight that greeted her.

Surrounded by a variety of oddly shaped bottles, Carolyn stood by an old-fashioned blender with a huge straw sombrero on her head. Loud whirring and crunching noises filled the room, and Uhura had to shout to be heard.

"What is this, Carolyn?"

Carolyn punched a button and the noise stopped. Picking up the pitcher, she poured the contents into a big, wide-mouthed glass. "It's Cinco de Mayo, Nyota! Here! Have one."

Uhura accepted the glass and took a sip. "Mmmm. This is wonderful."

"Margaritas. My favorite." Carolyn took off the sombrero and tossed it on a chair. "Here, sit down on the sofa with me. I have chips and dip-the really hot stuff-so we'll need lots of cold, wet stuff to quench the fire."

Uhura smiled as she made herself comfortable on the sofa. "I hate to tell you this, but it's not May fifth."

"I know. But I've only been to Mexico once, and it was during Cinco de Mayo. I had a great time, and I thought it would be fun to pretend. Besides, I thought you might need cheering up."

Uhura's smile faded. "You're very perceptive."

"Well, it was pretty obvious. You were so excited about your trip, but something happened right before you left. And when you returned, you were even more down. Do you want to talk about it?

"There's really not much to say." Uhura cradled the glass in both hands. "My 'mystery man' had to cancel again."

"Did he have a good reason?"

"Oh, yes, he did. But he had a good reason last time, and the time before that. I can't help but notice recently that he has more good reasons not to see me than to see me."

Carolyn nodded sympathetically. "So you think it's deliberate."

"I don't know." Uhura paused for a long moment. "No, that's not true. I know. He's avoiding me."

"You said yourself that he's very busy."

"And he is. But it's not that hard to take leave, even if it's just for a day or two. I haven't seen him in over four months. He could have found time for a visit if he'd really tried."

"So. Do you have any idea why he's avoiding you?"

Uhura took a deep breath. "I think that it's just too difficult for him to sustain a close relationship like this. I know he cares for me, but avoiding emotional situations is ingrained in him. He can't tolerate the prolonged emotional intimacy. And the harder I try to get him to open up, the more he closes himself away."

Carolyn studied her drink. "It must be hard to love a Vulcan."

Uhura looked over sharply. "What?"

"I said that it must be hard to love a Vulcan."

"What... I mean, how..."

Carolyn smiled gently. "Nyota, I know that your lover is Commander Spock. From the day you first set foot on board this ship, I could see it in your eyes. You've always talked fondly about all your old friends, but whenever you mentioned Spock, your entire face lit up. Recently, however, the happy glow has been replaced by a weary sadness, and it makes me sad, too, because I can see how much you're suffering."

Uhura had to fight back a sudden burning behind her eyelids. "Yes. You're right. We've been lovers for almost two years now."

"What was it like to fall in love with a man like that?"

"Oh, it was wonderful. He's such a beautiful man, intelligent and considerate, with an incredible mixture of both strength and gentleness. He and I have been dear friends forever, and when we finally took the step that brought us closer to one another, it just seemed so natural." She chuckled ruefully. "Well, I should say it seemed natural until poor Spock began to have second thoughts. Personal matters are so difficult for him, and he went through a terrible struggle before he finally decided to be with me." She looked up at the ceiling and sighed. "I suppose that should have been my first clue, huh? But like a blind fool, I thought that we were over the hurdle."

"You've been together for almost two years. That's a long time. It sounds to me like he was fine with it for quite a while."

"Yes, he was. But you have to remember that we were together on the Enterprise only five months of that time. Since then, our visits have been few and far between. Looking back, I see that our trouble began almost eight months ago."

"Have you considered that this is just a natural slump? All relationships go through their ups and downs. It's a normal thing."

"That's what I thought at first, too, but it's gone far beyond that. We can't work at our relationship if we can't talk, and he's withdrawn so far away from me he's almost gone. And even if I could get him to open up, I'm not sure that it's the right thing for him _or_ me. Do you know what I mean?"

Carolyn tilted her head questioningly, so Uhura continued.

"For a long time, I was willing to overlook his, well, I guess you could call them little personality quirks-actually, I found them endearing-but it's a very different matter to have to struggle with them repeatedly. And he's tried all his life to be Vulcan. Who am I to come along and ask him to change? Just figuring out who he is has been a hard-fought battle for him, and it's far from over. I'm only going to make him miserable if I try to turn him into something he's not."

Carolyn was quiet for a long moment. "It sounds like you've given this a lot of thought."

"I have."

"Do you know what you're going to do?"

"No." Uhura shook her head miserably. "I don't."

"Well, I'm here for you, anytime you want to talk about it. With two divorces under my belt, I can't say I'm an expert at good relationships, but at the very least I'll provide a sympathetic ear."

"Thank you, Carolyn. You're a dear, wonderful friend, and I'm so glad you're here."

The two women smiled at one another. Finally, Uhura reached for her drink. "Do you know what? I'm tired of being unhappy. Let's enjoy ourselves. Just for tonight, I want to forget my problems and have fun."

"That sounds like a good idea to me. Commander Uhura, what do you say we call the rest of the gang, and turn this into a real party?"

"Wonderful! Let's do it, Dr. Schmidt. You make more margaritas, and I'll see who I can round up."

Uhura grinned as Carolyn donned her hat again and started up the blender.

...

"Well! That was pretty amazing." Shaking his head, Kirk watched Sarek leave the conference room with the two ambassadors. "Your father is certainly very good at what he does. Just yesterday, I would have sworn that Gavis and Thrin were ready to throttle each other, but now you'd think they were best friends."

"Yes, that was quite dramatic," said Spock. "It appears that each was only waiting for the other to back down. As soon as Thrin agreed that the Andorian show of force was 'possibly' excessive, Gavis admitted that the Tellarite miners 'might' have been overly zealous in their pursuit of dilithium. Fascinating."

Kirk picked up his padd and stylus. "I'm going back to the Enterprise to prepare my report. Since Sarek can handle the rest of the details without us, we're now four days ahead of our projected schedule. I'll need to find out what HQ wants us to do with the extra time. What are your plans for the evening?"

"Mother and Father invited me to dine in their quarters at 1900 hours. Unless you require my assistance with your report, I intend to work in the science lab for the next one point seven hours, then return to the planet."

"I won't need you. Enjoy your last evening with your parents."

"Thank you, Admiral."

Kirk signaled for beam-up, and soon they were back aboard the ship.

...

Smiling and nodding, Uhura held her drink high as she squeezed through the crowd, heading toward the quiet corner over by Carolyn's dining table. The party was a big success-good music, good food, good friends-but she really felt the need to remove herself from the crush for a few minutes.

Ah, here she was. Breathing a sigh of relief that she had made it without dumping her drink on anyone's head, she sat down at the table with her back to the wall. This was much better. Even though she'd tried her very best to have fun tonight, she really hadn't been able to forget about her problems for more than just a few minutes at a time. Making the effort to laugh and carry on small talk had finally become too much of a strain to be worth the trouble.

What would Spock think about a party like this? If he were here, he'd find a way to distance himself from the rowdiness so that he could observe. Maybe he'd even be sitting at this table beside her. He'd see Joshua and Anton over there, dancing and laughing at each other as they tried on Carolyn's sombrero. He'd watch that group from Engineering experiment with the blender, and he'd raise his eyebrow at the number of empty bottles next to them. He'd also probably wince at the din as they crushed the ice. He'd see Carolyn cruising around the room, ostensibly making sure everyone had plenty to drink and eat, but in reality trying to stay close to the new security chief. But more than anything, he'd be here next to her, warm and solid and real, and he would turn to her with warmth in his eyes as she brushed her shoulder against his.

"May I join you?"

She looked up to see Ravi standing nearby, so she smiled and motioned toward the empty chair. "Of course! I'd love to have the company. That is, as long as you're not accompanied by a bottle of tequila or that silly hat."

He laughed. "No, I am alone. No booze, no hat. Just me." He settled himself next to her. "Great party, isn't it?"

"Yes. It is."

He nudged her. "Look at Joshua. If he doesn't slow down, Anton will have to carry him back to their quarters."

"Oh well, you know Joshua. Live for the moment! If he feels awful tomorrow, at least he had fun tonight."

"That is true. And have you tried Yasuko's latest creation? He calls it a 'Warp Implosion.'"

"No thank you. I saw what he put in the blender."

"Ah, but as Carolyn says, that's what makes a party fun. Adventure."

She laughed and nodded. "Carolyn does know how to make sure everyone has a good time, that's for certain."

He watched her for a moment. "So why are you not enjoying yourself?"

Careful to keep her smile frozen on her face, she replied, "Me? I'm having a wonderful time. I just felt like getting away from all the noise for a few minutes. That's all."

"Nyota." He rested his fingers lightly on the back of her wrist. "You cannot fool me. I see that you long for something. Or someone."

Her smile faded as she studied her drink. Trying to keep her tone light, she said, "Okay, you're right. I do. But we can't always have everything we want, can we?"

He was quiet for so long that she finally looked over and met his eyes. Uncharacteristically serious, he said, "You, beautiful one, should always have everything you want. Any man who would give you less is not worthy of your love."

"Ravi, you don't know anything about him," she said defensively, the words slipping out of her mouth before she could stop herself.

"Oh, but I know enough. I know that he does not make you happy."

"Of course he does! How can you say something like that?"

"I can say that because I know you. I have watched you since you came on board. By nature you are a effervescent person, joyful and giving and generous of spirit. Recently, however, I have watched something pull you down into darkness, muting your inner light. What kind of man would allow that to happen?"

She gazed into his eyes, unable to answer.

Suddenly intense, he tightened his grip on her arm and leaned closer. "Not me, Nyota. I would never make you unhappy. With me, your life would be filled with laughter and delight again."

She was quiet for a long moment. Finally, she said gently, "I love him, Ravi. You're a wonderful man and I treasure your friendship, but the truth is that I'm not shopping around. I'm not interested. I'm sorry."

After a moment, he pressed his lips together, then nodded and removed his hand. "All right. But you laugh and smile when you are with me. Remember that. And remember that I would never, ever take you for granted. I would always treat you right."

"I know."

They smiled at one another, and Uhura heard the music change. It was upbeat and catchy, and she realized with a start that she felt a little better. She looked over toward the center of the room to see that everyone was crowding into the open areas, jumping out of their seats and streaming from the corners to join in.

She felt a tug on her hand, and she glanced over to see that Ravi was on his feet, motioning toward the dance floor.

His irrepressible good humor back, he said, "Come dance with me! I can see in your eyes that you are ready to enjoy yourself again."

She hesitated for a moment, unwilling to encourage him. "I don't know."

"Even if you will not allow me to make you happy always, I can make you happy for this moment. I still wish to be your friend. We have fun together! Come, dance with your friend. Have pity on his broken heart."

She laughed and allowed herself to be pulled out of the chair. "All right! You convinced me. Lead the way."

She held onto his hand as he moved away from the table. When he found a tiny little space for them, she lifted her arms and began to dance, determined to lose herself in the music. There wasn't much room and they kept bumping into each other, but she didn't mind. He was right. She did have fun with him. And fun was exactly what the doctor ordered.

End chapter 5


	6. Chapter 6

Ondine, chapter 6

"Hello, Spock. Come inside." Amanda ushered her son into the sitting room. "I'm afraid your father won't be joining us. The other ambassadors invited him to dine with them. He asked me to convey his apologies."

"I understand. Considering their willingness to compromise today, he was hardly in a position to refuse."

"Exactly." She walked over to the sideboard. "Would you like something? Juice? Water?"

"A glass of water would be agreeable."

She poured the drinks and carried them over to the sofa. "Please, have a seat. I haven't had much of a chance to talk to you since we arrived, and I want us to get all caught up."

"Very well." He settled himself on the plump cushions and looked around the lushly appointed room. "Your accommodations are quite sumptuous."

She rolled her eyes. "Putting it politely, yes they are. But our hosts have been very gracious, so we're willing to overlook their rather excessive taste in interior design."

He nodded, and she could see the humor in his expression. "Have you managed to occupy yourself while Father was busy?"

"Oh, yes. I've had to dig around a bit, but I found a museum surrounded by lovely gardens, a shopping area with a number of quaint stores, and several historical sites. It has actually turned out to be a very nice vacation for me, although I would have been happier if I'd seen more of you."

"That would have pleased me, as well. It is unfortunate that the talks were more difficult than anticipated, and of course, now that the ambassadors have reached their sudden agreement, the Enterprise will leave soon."

"Yes. I know. But we can enjoy what little time we have left here. Besides, you need to come home! You haven't been back to Vulcan for ages, and I think a visit is overdue. Mother told me that she had a marvelous time when you and Nyota were in Seattle. You know, I would really like to get to know Nyota better. Maybe the two of you can come to Vulcan sometime soon."

She watched Spock, expecting him to raise a tolerant eyebrow at her not-so-subtle maternal maneuverings, or to disguise his awkwardness with a wry comment, but instead he avoided her eyes. She frowned and sat straighter, and waited for him to speak.

Finally, he murmured, "Perhaps. Our schedules have been extremely full recently, and it might be difficult to arrange such a trip."

She was quiet until he looked back up at her. "Spock? Is something the matter? I assumed that things were going very well between the two of you."

His face carefully expressionless, he replied, "We have merely experienced difficulty finding time to be together. That is all."

"Son, please don't shut me out."

"It is my problem, not yours."

She spread her hands in entreaty. "If you have a problem, I have a problem. Who knows? Maybe I can help."

He dropped his gaze, visibly hesitant, but after a moment he said, "It is merely that as of late, a tension of sorts has crept into our interactions. We have always been extremely comfortable with one another, but that has changed. I am very uncertain about the future of our relationship."

Amanda felt something twist inside her chest at the pain in his voice. She knew that only a handful of people in the entire universe could have detected it, but she heard it loud and clear. Of course, she'd heard it before-when he was a child and someone said something deliberately hurtful, when he was older and an adult studied him with disapproval, the day he announced his acceptance into the Academy and his father turned away-in short, those times when he struggled to comprehend the emotional tidewaters of his connections with other beings. Her son, so brilliant and confident in matters of the intellect, was confused and unsure in matters of the heart.

"Do you have any thoughts about what might have caused it?" she asked.

"Recently, I have experienced a number of doubts."

When he didn't elaborate, she prodded him to continue. "And?"

"And I wish to be rid of any doubt."

"Oh, Spock. Doubts are normal. They're a part of any relationship. What about Nyota? Is she bothered by your doubts?"

"I have not discussed them with her."

"What? You're worried that your relationship is falling apart, and you haven't even tried to work it out with her?"

"I saw no need to bring it up." He became slightly defiant. "They are my doubts and my uncertainties. I must know my own mind before I can discuss it with her."

Amanda shook her head. "I promise you that if you're aware of possible problems with the relationship, so is she. And by keeping it to yourself, you only leave her to wonder what's going on. Hasn't she indicated that she's bothered by anything?"

"She has repeatedly told me that 'we must talk,' but I-"

"See? Even though I don't know her well, I'm sure that she's a perceptive, compassionate person. She will understand. You have to learn that when you're involved with someone, you can't expect to solve problems all by yourself. You need the other's perspective."

He compressed his lips stubbornly, and she knew she'd scored a point. She would even bet that Nyota had told him this very thing. Pressing her advantage, she continued.

"Spock, you can't hold her at arm's length. If you really care about her, you'll let her in."

His eyes became hooded, and with a sudden flash of insight, she realized that there was more, much more, to this than a mere lack of communication. She had seen that look on his face before, and she had seen him fight too many internal battles to miss the battle he fought with himself now.

Her son was afraid.

He had fallen in love, and with a human woman. A woman who tempted his human side out of hiding, who lured him into a realm he had tried his entire life to avoid, a woman who brought from his soul those rich, wonderful qualities that he would sooner die than accept. How could she, Amanda, hope to make him understand? How could she tell him that he didn't always have to be more Vulcan than Vulcan, that allowing himself to feel wasn't an admission of failure? She knew that she had to tread lightly, or she would lose him completely.

"Your father and I have certainly had our ups and downs through the years," she said, "but one thing I have always known is that he respects me. He sees me as an equal partner in the marriage, and as such he has never hesitated to let me see into his heart." Spock moved slightly as if to object, but she continued before he could speak. "I know that 'heart' is an emotionally loaded word, but everyone, even Vulcans, have hearts. When you form a connection with someone, it transcends your own preconceived ideas about yourself. It survives despite your differences, and it adapts. In his own way, your father loves me. It doesn't make him less Vulcan. It just is."

"Father made his choices. I make mine. What he chose is irrelevant."

"That's not true. You haven't lived your life in a vacuum. You're very much affected by the choices your father and I made. You have watched us through the years, and whether you wanted to or not, you've incorporated our lifestyle into the most basic tenets of your being. Do you think we were wrong to choose one another?"

Her last question was rhetorical; she knew that he could not possibly maintain that she and Sarek had done the wrong thing by marrying. Confident that her argument had been very logical, she was therefore shocked to see quickly hidden indecision flash across his features.

Aghast, she repeated, "Do you think we were wrong to choose one another? Surely not-"

"Mother. Whether you were 'wrong' or 'right' does not hinge on my opinion of the matter. But since you ask, yes, I cannot help but wonder if it was wrong for Father to choose a human woman as mate."

"Why? Why would you think something like that?"

"Because humans are frail," he stated matter-of-factly. "They possess many strengths, but physically, they are easily damaged."

She was almost too stunned to reply. "I'm human," she said angrily. "I'm not a frail little hothouse flower."

"Tell me that Father has never injured you."

Ah. Her indignation abruptly drained away as she realized what he meant by 'physical damage.' Pon farr. He was worried about pon farr. She took a deep breath and tried to decide how to approach this. Of course she'd suffered a few bumps and bruises through the years, but it was worth it. The sense of intimacy was worth any number of sacrifices, and being allowed to share Sarek's Time with him was something she considered one of her life's greatest gifts. Spock was so intensely private, however, that she knew she couldn't speak openly. Already, she could see him backing away from his blunt words.

"Forgive me," he said. "I do not expect you to respond to that statement."

"It's all right. There is no shame."

He glanced up, raising an eyebrow, but quickly looked back down at his hands, transparently uncomfortable. She could see that he didn't agree. He _was_ ashamed. As a matter of fact, he was filled with shame for the simple fact of his own biological urges. So much was becoming clear in this conversation.

His relationship simply scared him to death. He was afraid to love Nyota. He was afraid he might hurt her. He was afraid... afraid of intimacy, afraid to share himself, afraid to let her see the deepest, darkest corners of his soul. He thought that pon farr was something awful, something shameful. Suddenly, she remembered that horrid day almost forty years ago when she and Sarek had pledged their sensitive son to a woman whose heart was made of stone.

"T'Pring. That bitch," she said.

"Mother!"

"Oh, I don't care. She was a horrible, awful bitch, and betrothing the two of you was a terrible mistake. Can you ever forgive us for doing that to you?"

"What's done is done. I hardly-"

"But don't you see? It's not done. I never realized it before, but you're still bearing the scars from the wounds she inflicted. There was no joy in your bond, no sense of... wonderful anticipation when her blood called you to her, no rightness that your minds, your bodies, and your lives would be joined someday. She gave you nothing to look forward to with hopeful expectation, and she left you with nothing but a bad taste in your mouth."

He shifted in his seat. "Mother, please. I do not wish to discuss it."

"I can understand that you don't want to talk about it with me, but was it this difficult for you to discuss it with Nyota?"

"I have not-"

"Oh, Spock." She shook her head. "All right. You don't have to talk about it. But will you sit quietly and allow me to say something?"

She watched as he struggled to find a way out of the conversation, but finally he relented. Taking a deep breath, he said, "Very well."

"Thank you." She smoothed her skirt as she composed her thoughts. "In life, one is given many opportunities to seize happiness. Sometimes it can be a bit frightening, but you can't let that stop you. I won't lie and say that I wasn't frightened by the idea of marrying a Vulcan. Without even knowing about, ah, Vulcan biology, I was intimidated by the entire concept of bonding. The idea that me, a simple little human, could learn to live with another being in my mind was boggling. I almost turned and ran! And then your father told me the rest of it. He said that he would understand if I wished to back out, but he also told me to trust him, and to let my instincts guide my decision. So, I thought about it. And thought and thought, and talked it over with him, then thought some more, and finally I realized that I did trust him, and that if I allowed this opportunity to slip away, I would regret it for the rest of my life.

"The point is that your father explained everything to me and allowed me to make my own decision. If he'd just left me in the dark, it would have been terribly unfair to me. You see, he not only asked me to trust him, but also demonstrated that he trusted me. He knew that I loved him enough to open myself to the bond and all of the wonderful, rewarding, incomparably beautiful intimacies within. And it is beautiful, Spock, every bit of it. Even a bump here or a bruise there doesn't take away from that. I wouldn't trade it for anything."

She paused as he continued to study his hands. Leaning closer, she whispered, "Do you care for her?"

"Yes. Very much," he replied, his voice rough.

"Then you need to let her in. Tell her about your doubts. Explain it all, especially the demands that will be placed on her mind, her flesh, and her spirit if she remains. She might decide that it's not for her, but at least you both will know. If you don't allow her to make her own choices, you're mistreating her."

He shook his head, his eyes still downcast. "I am not certain I can do that, Mother. What is best for me is not necessarily best for her, and I do not wish to coerce her into agreeing to something for my sake."

"Don't you trust her?"

That caught his attention, and he met her eyes. "Of course I do."

"Well, then trust her to make the right decision."

"The right decision for whom? Me? Or her?"

"For both of you."

"I do not know. I have severe reservations as to whether my presence will enrich her life. She deserves so much."

"And you can provide so much."

"Such as laughter? Unabashed joy? Her laugh fascinates me, yet it is much more freely given when she is with others than when she is with me."

"And that's fine! No one can expect to be everything to their chosen other. You may be the center of her universe, but if you're all of her universe, well, then you both have a problem. She will have needs you can't fill. That's a fact. But even given that, I suspect that you're being too hard on yourself. Are you saying that she never laughs when she's with you? That she never smiles at you with uninhibited joy?"

"She appears to enjoy herself when we are together," he conceded grudgingly.

"See? If you live your life with hesitation, Spock, you'll miss so much. Look ahead. Embrace the future. Don't be afraid to open yourself to all the wonderful possibilities that life has to offer."

He was quiet for a moment, then picked up his glass of water and signaled the end of the discussion by coming to his feet. "I will consider what you have said."

She stood and nodded. "That's all I'm asking."

Although she could see that he was still immensely troubled, she felt an almost suffocating warmth fill her chest. Oh, how she loved this contradictory, complicated son of hers. More than anything, she wanted him to find happiness, and if she'd been able to help just a little bit today, it was all a mother could hope for.

"We have delayed our meal, and I am certain that you are quite hungry," he said.

"I'm absolutely famished." She motioned toward the door. "You know, I've been cooped up in this room all afternoon. How about we go out to eat? I saw an intriguing restaurant down in the historical section today. Let's give it try."

"I am amenable to that suggestion."

"Wonderful!"

He allowed her to precede him out the door, and soon they were walking down the open, breezy streets of Coridon City.

End chapter 6


	7. Chapter 7

Ondine, chapter 7

His brows drawn together, Kirk leaned on the signal again. He knew Spock had returned to the ship earlier, because he had been on the bridge when the call for beam-up came through. So why didn't Spock answer the door?

Just as he turned to ask the computer where his friend was hiding, he heard the familiar voice call out, and the door slid open.

He stepped inside and squinted, trying to adjust to the low light. A flame flickered across the room, and he gradually realized that Spock was kneeling beside it.

"Spock?"

"Forgive me. I did not notice the signal at first." He stood, his black robes draping gracefully over his lean form. "Computer. Lights, three-quarters illumination."

The room brightened, and Kirk moved closer so that he could see Spock's face. The Vulcan's features were always craggy, but he looked even more worn than usual. "Is everything all right?" Kirk asked worriedly. "Your mother's okay, isn't she?"

The apparent distress vanished. "Mother is quite well. I was merely deep in meditation."

"Oh." Unconvinced, Kirk continued to study his friend, but he didn't see another sign of uncharacteristic behavior. Maybe he was imagining things. He could have sworn that Spock was atypically unsettled a few moments ago, but he seemed to be his old self now. "I just came by to tell you that we have new orders. Instead of going to Starbase Nineteen, we're to report to Starbase Fourteen in two days for an earlier overhaul than was originally scheduled."

"Indeed."

"I thought you'd want to know. The last I heard, the Lexington was in the area."

"Yes. They are still contending with the aftermath of Torsall's deceit on Nistras Three."

"We won't need you on board that day. Maybe you can figure out a way to see Uhura."

"Perhaps so."

Spock looked down at his hands, but not quickly enough to hide the troubled expression that crept back into his eyes. Kirk frowned and stepped closer.

"Spock? Are you sure that everything is all right? Is there anything you'd like to talk about?"

Spock drew himself up, and Kirk knew that whatever it was, it wasn't going to be a topic for discussion. Retreating into formality, Spock said, "I am fine, Admiral. Thank you for the information about our change in assignment."

"You're welcome." Kirk headed toward the door. "I have a few things to take care of, so I'll be staying up late tonight. If you decide you want to talk later, you know where you can find me."

"Of course."

Kirk looked into Spock's eyes once more, then nodded and left. As he walked down the corridor toward his quarters, he tried to imagine what was bothering his friend. That perfectly controlled lack of expression was always a sure sign that something was up, and add to that the glimmers of disquiet that had slipped through...

He shook his head uneasily and wondered what it could be.

...

Spock sat at his computer and waited for Lieutenant Feinstein to contact the Lexington. Two days. He might see her in two days.

Feinstein appeared on the screen. "I have the Lexington now, and they're tracking down Commander Uhura."

"Thank you, Lieutenant. I will take it from here."

Of course, it was possible that she would be unable to arrange her schedule in such a way that they could meet. The Enterprise would be at Starbase Fourteen for approximately twelve point two hours, which did not allow much time. Their choices of meeting place were limited to either the station, the Enterprise, or the Lexington, and of course if the Lexington were too far away for easy travel, all three locations would be equally inaccessible.

The screen brightened, and he saw Nyota's broadly smiling face.

"Hi, Spock!"

She appeared to be flushed and breathing heavily, and her speech was slightly slurred. He tilted his head, trying to assess her condition.

"Greetings, Nyota. Did I interrupt something?"

She laughed. "Just a little get-together in Carolyn's quarters. We're celebrating Cinco de Mayo."

"I see. Would you be celebrating this year's, or last?"

"Oh, I don't know. We'll say last year's. That way, we'll have an excuse for another party before long."

"Logical."

She laughed again and leaned closer to the screen, providing him with a clear view of her cleavage. "So what's going on?"

"The Tellarite and Andorian ambassadors agreed unexpectedly to cease their hostility toward one another this afternoon, so we are preparing to leave Coridon."

"That's great! Congratulations on a job well done."

He was not certain whether she had introduced another syllable into the word 'congratulations' or removed one, but he understood what she meant so let it pass.

"Thank you, Nyota. As a result, the Enterprise is four days ahead of schedule and Command has changed our plans. We are en route to Starbase Fourteen for routine maintenance, after which we will proceed to Aliki."

"Really? That's perfect! We're supposed to pick up a new negotiator at Starbase Fourteen in, uh, let's see... is it two days or three... Hang on." Her eyes focused on the lower right-hand corner of the screen while she called up the Lexington's schedule. "Late day after tomorrow. What time are you supposed to get there?"

"Our estimated time of arrival is 0900 hours."

"Hmmm. It'll be close, but it looks like we'll put in before you leave. Oh, I hope so."

"As do I."

"How about if we meet when I get there? We can go to that bar where we met before." Her inebriated good humor vanished. "Maybe we can finally talk. I mean really talk, Spock, none of this beating around the bush or avoiding the subject. Do you think you'll be able to do that? Do you think you'll be able to talk to me openly and honestly?"

She looked at him so expectantly that he hesitated, uncertain how to answer her question. The plea for candor shone from her eyes, but he could not reassure her. Before he could formulate his response, her face fell.

"Nyota-"

"Spock, just... try your best. I'll talk to you in two days."

"Very well. In two days. Spock out."

She disappeared, and he pressed his lips together as he looked at the dark screen. Why could he not have simply answered her questions? It would have been so easy to comfort her, even if only just for the moment. She had begun the conversation in good spirits, but by the end she was unhappy once again.

He walked over to his firepot and knelt on the floor. Dimming the lights, he closed his eyes to try to search for the answer to her questions. And his.

...

Uhura picked up her cards and tried to figure out what she had. Not good-a ten, a six, a three, a seven, and a queen-two hearts, two spades, and a club. Lousy. She tossed them on the table. Why had she let Carolyn talk her into playing poker tonight? She felt awful. Too much tequila, not enough sleep, and a miasma of worries whirling through her mind all made for a draining combination.

What was she going to do about her relationship with Spock? She loved him more than she had ever loved anyone, but she just couldn't go on like this. And when she had spoken with him last night, she could tell from the lines etched on his face that he was miserable, too. How could it have come to this? Love was supposed to make you happy, not ruin your life.

She glanced up to see Ravi studying her.

"You look like you may have danced one too many dances last night," he said.

She smiled ruefully. "I don't think it was the dancing that got me. It was the thirst from the dancing."

He looked down at his cards, then placed them face-down on the table next to hers and announced, "You know what? I don't feel much like playing tonight."

From across the table, Joshua made a rude noise. "You don't feel like playing poker? What's the matter Ravi, afraid I'll take all your money?"

Ravi stood. "Oh no, Joshua. Actually, I feel sorry for you after last week. I do not wish to embarrass you again."

Everyone laughed as Ravi watched Uhura. Touching her lightly on the shoulder, he said, "I believe that I would like to go sit quietly on the observation deck. Will you join me?"

Chewing on her lower lip, she looked up at his smiling face. She'd enjoyed herself last night, or at least she had until Spock called. After that she hadn't felt like returning to the party, but while the fun had lasted, it had been wonderful. Far too much time had passed since she had been able to laugh and dance and forget herself in the pleasure of the moment. If she left now with Ravi, she knew she'd be granted another respite from her misery.

But what she didn't need to do right now was hide from her problems.

She stood. "Thanks Ravi, but I really think I'd rather just go on back to my quarters. Will you all forgive me if I call it a night?"

Joshua frowned again, ready to object, but Carolyn jumped in before he could speak.

"Of course we will, Nyota. Go ahead, and have a relaxing evening."

Uhura nodded gratefully. "Thanks, everyone. I'll see you tomorrow."

She left quickly, just wanting to get away before she changed her mind about doing something-anything-other than returning to her quarters to think about what she was going to tell Spock tomorrow.

End chapter 7


	8. Chapter 8

Ondine, chapter 8

Very aware of the minutes creeping slowly past, Spock sat at his desk and forced himself to continue reviewing the science department status reports. The Enterprise had been in spacedock for exactly eleven point four two hours, and the order to depart would be given in less than one hour. The Lexington had been delayed, but according to the chief of operations down at the starbase, she was expected at any moment. So, all Spock could do was sit and wait.

He did not know if he wished for the Lexington to arrive in time, or if he would be relieved were they to miss one another.

His mother's words still rang in his ears.

_When you form a connection with someone, it transcends your own preconceived ideas about yourself. It survives despite your differences, and it adapts._

But what if they could not adapt to one another? Would it better to release her now than to lose her later?

_You're still bearing the scars from the wounds T'Pring inflicted._

Perhaps so, but at least they were his scars. He would not wish to inflict them on anyone else. Although his mother stated that the physical violence of pon farr was insignificant when compared to the possible rewards, he was unconvinced.

_If you don't allow her to make her own choices, you're mistreating her._

But it was just as likely that by making the choice for her, he would spare her.

His computer signaled an incoming message, and he could not stop himself from jumping. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes briefly.

"Computer, play message."

Fully expecting to discover either that the Lexington had arrived or was delayed again, he was surprised when the computer intoned the source of the transmission.

"Message from Saavik on Gamma Sigma, stardate 4143.8."

He forced himself to relax as Saavik's pre-recorded image showed on the screen.

"Greetings, Spock. I wished to tell you that we had our first soccer game today, and we won! It was very close. The score was tied until the very end of the fourth quarter, when Serenta Vrath kicked the ball over the opposing goalie's head. The crowd became very excited.

"After the game, we had to come home and clean up. Soccer is a messy sport, and evidently it is customary that if you are not already very dirty from the course of the game, you must go out of your way to become dirty. I did not understand that, but Elizabeth explained that if I do not become dirty, the coach will assume I did not play hard. And of course I do not wish him to think that."

She frowned and tilted her head. "I have thought a great deal about Ondine since we spoke. You told me that the man turned away from her, and you stated that you thought his decision the right one. I am not certain about that, however. Although he saved himself, I think that he was very unhappy afterwards. Perhaps he even found his life not worth living!" Her eyes widened dramatically. "He would stand by the edge of the water and watch for her, and wonder what would have happened if he had simply tried. Is trying for what one really wants not worth the risk? But because he did not even try, he lost her! All because he was afraid. Both versions of this story have unacceptable endings. Therefore, I have decided to make up my own."

Crossing his arms across his chest, Spock leaned back in his chair and resolved to speak with Margaret about Saavik's recent source of reading material. Obviously it had been overly fanciful.

She nodded with self-satisfaction. "Ondine is magic, so in my version of the story, she uses her magic to change him. Well, she does not change him completely, such as into a fish or an eel, because she could have had a fish or an eel if that were all she wanted. No, she loves him as he is, so she merely fixes it so he can live in her kingdom. And he is very happy with that, because now he can not only live in his world, which is very comfortable and familiar to him, but he can live in hers, which I think is very wonderful and exotic. Does that not strike you as a more logical solution to their quandary?"

Pausing her message, he turned away from the screen as he thought about what she had said.

_He would stand by the edge of the water and watch for her, and wonder what would have happened if he had simply tried. Is trying for what one really wants not worth the risk?_

His mother's words echoed through his mind again.

_When you form a connection with someone, it transcends your own preconceived ideas about yourself. It survives despite your differences, and it adapts._

In her child's voice, Saavik had spoken great wisdom.

_She loves him as he is._

Returning himself to the moment, he resumed playback of Saavik's message.

"When I listened to the music, I could hear the version of events I just described. After all, it ends very sweetly. If he had drowned, would the ending not be violent? And if he turned away from her, would the ending not be sad? Instead, the ending is peaceful, as if he and she are both content, and it fades away, as if they simply vanish beneath the water. I would be interested in hearing your opinion of this."

"Margaret says that I must prepare for bed. Tell me what you think about my theory! Saavik out."

He continued to gaze at the darkened screen for a long moment. Could it be that Saavik was correct? Perhaps there _was_ a potential happy ending to the legend of Ondine. In addition, despite his mother's eloquence two days ago, he realized that he had not really heard her. She had spoken of the richness of the Vulcan bond. She had mentioned flexibility, and tolerance, and the rewards of allowing someone close. Above all, she had spoken of honesty. And compromise. And trust. She had told him not to fear opening himself to the possibilities of the future.

It all was so clear to him now.

He had been afraid. For so long, he had convinced himself that he only wished to protect Nyota from the rigors of pon farr, but could it be that he had actually wished to protect himself? Was he so afraid of the deep, unsettling emotional demands of a prolonged relationship that he had simply blamed his disquiet on something tangible? Granted, a Vulcan male in the grip of plak tow would not be gentle, but the link between mates provided nature's own counterbalance. After all, if the male damaged his mate so severely that she was unable to bear his child, logically, the species would have long died out. This was a fact he had allowed himself to forget, in the face of his need to shape his fears into something more acceptable.

Suddenly anxious to listen to the music Saavik had described, he turned back to his computer.

"Computer. Play 'Ondine' by Claude Debussy."

His heart pounding in his side, he sat very still while the first capricious notes floated into the room. Just as the harmony thickened, however, his computer signaled another incoming message.

Feinstein appeared on the screen. "Commander? You asked me to let you know when the Lexington arrived. They just pulled into spacedock."

"Thank you, Lieutenant. Spock out."

He paused the music and swept out of the room.

...

Uhura sat in the Starcruiser Lounge and toyed with the stem of her wineglass. Here she was. All by herself in a tourist bar on a slow night. After an agonizingly long wait, the Lexington had finally arrived at the station. She had gone to the transporter room the second they were cleared by Spacedock, firm in her resolve and feeling confident that she had made the right decision. When she had seen the busy space station, though, the reality of what she was about to do had hit her, and her heart had begun pounding so hard that she had almost been too paralyzed to move. She had taken a deep breath, ignored her rubbery knees, and walked into the bar.

And found that he wasn't even here yet.

So now she waited some more. Where could he be? The wine was acidic in her stomach, but she continued to sip it for lack of anything better to do. Finally, she glanced up just as he hurried through the door. Instead of his usual calm, reserved composure, he seemed rushed, almost anxious.

Sliding into the booth across from her, he said, "Forgive me for making you wait, Nyota. I attempted to leave as soon as I received word that the Lexington had arrived, but Mr. Scott caught me in the corridor outside the transporter room and wished to discuss a perceived error on the part of the Starbase maintenance crews."

She smiled wanly. "Oh, that's okay. I know that when something like that comes up, it's your duty to take care of it right away."

"Actually, I told him that I did not have the time to deal with it at the moment, and I instructed him to contact Admiral Kirk."

"Really?" She looked at him in wide-eyed amazement. That wasn't like Spock at all. Dropping her eyes, she realized that he was just as eager to get this conversation out of the way as she was.

"It is good to see you again," he said softly.

She nodded but didn't look up. "Spock..."

"Nyota, I have been thinking about our relationship a great deal..."

"So have I. Oh, Spock."

"...and although it has been difficult for me..."

"Me too. I'm so sorry it had to come to this, really I am, but I've been unhappy for so long that I don't remember what it's like to feel good anymore."

They had both been talking in overlapping sentences, but suddenly he fell silent. She looked up and saw that he was watching her in bewilderment.

Her throat so tight she could hardly talk, she said, "I don't know how to say this, other than to just say it. God. I thought we were so good together, Spock, but now I'm just not sure anymore."

She closed her eyes, and when she opened them again his face had hardened. She swallowed and continued.

"We've been friends for a long time. I thought I knew you so well, but I don't know you anymore. And I wonder if I ever really did. You hold things so close. Do you understand what it means to share yourself with someone? To be open and honest? To trust that person to love you even when your soul is stripped naked before them? I've tried so hard to understand you, but I'm starting to think that I'm the only person willing to work at this relationship."

He opened his mouth to interject, but she stalled him with an upraised hand. "Please. Please, Spock. Let me continue. This is so hard for me, and if I stop now, I may not be able to say it. And it has to be said."

She waited until he nodded tightly. She tried to read his face, but there was no expression there, nothing at all.

"The truth of the matter is that for a while it was enough just to know that you were mine, that you were there and thinking of me. Now, though, I'm not even sure of that much. I mean, you've never been one to try hard to ensure that we could be together, but recently it's been more than just that. It feels like you've gone out of your way to avoid being alone with me. I can't stand it. It's frustrating and depressing. I need more, Spock. Maybe this arrangement is okay with you, but it's not okay with me."

Spock had become very quiet and still. Finally, he said, "On Vulcan, it is common for couples to be physically apart. I have told you that before."

"And you're not particularly bothered by the fact that we've only seen each other a handful of times in the last two years? Tell me honestly."

"We both have careers-"

"Does it bother you, Spock?"

He hesitated. "While I would prefer to be with you, the long periods of separation are not intolerable. I am sorry. I know that this is not the answer you wished to hear."

Somehow she managed to keep her voice steady. "That's illogical. You said yourself that the flame wasn't enough, back on Gamma Cygnus when we were alone in that field."

"We have already been through this. I am Vulcan. Therefore, the flame is sufficient."

"But when we were both on the Enterprise, we were together a lot. How can you have gone from that to virtually nothing, and not found it difficult?"

"You mean that we had frequent sexual relations."

"Well, yes, to be blunt I suppose that's part of it."

"Nyota, you know enough about my sexual history to understand that my relationship with you is quite different from others in which I have been involved."

"But we're not talking about others. We're talking about us." She cringed at the pleading tone that had crept into her voice.

"T'Pring and I were promised to one another for many years." His voice was so level he might have been lecturing at the Academy. "As dictated by Vulcan convention, I hardly even spoke with her. Certainly, there was never any question of physical contact between us. I have told you about my experience on Omicron Ceti Three with Leila Kalomi, but except for that unfortunate incident I was faithful to T'Pring for twenty-eight years. It never occurred to me to stray. In addition, although I had several relationships after she and I dissolved our betrothal, none was ever long-term. And those few relationships were years apart." As he spoke, his tone became increasingly hard and bitter. "I never considered those periods of celibacy as particularly stressful, and I certainly never viewed myself as having been 'deprived' in any way. Evidently your past has been different than mine."

Although she was trying to stay calm, she found that an angry note had crept into her voice. "Well, then yes. My past is different. Do you want me to spell it out for you? I like sex. I like men. I'm sure you've figured that out by now. Shit!" She ran her fingers through her hair. "How did we even get off on this tangent? This isn't what I came here to discuss. I don't even care about the physical aspects of the relationship right now. This is much bigger than sex. It's the whole thing, the commitment and intimacy, and so much more that just doesn't seem to be in you anymore. Even when we're together, you're not there. You can be sitting right in front of me, but you hide yourself away. And it's a repeating pattern! I've seen it time and time again."

"Specify," he said coldly.

"You've been like that as long as I've known you. Someone gets too close? You push them away."

"That is a false statement. Although I admit that recently I have experienced some difficulty, I tried very hard to open myself to you."

"You say that like it was hard work."

Raising his chin, he said, "Sometimes it _was_ hard to meet your expectations."

She sat back in her chair. "My expectations? Are you saying that I expected too much from you? Was it too much to want you to go away with me for a weekend here and there? Was it too much to encourage you to appreciate Debussy? Was it too much to ask you to try to enjoy the things I enjoyed?"

"I did try. I went on a pub crawl with you."

"But you wouldn't eat roasted marshmallows around the campfire with me and Saavik."

"I went in the ocean when you asked."

"You didn't stay out there for more than fifteen minutes."

"It was cold."

"It wasn't cold in the treehouse!"

He raised an eyebrow, clearly incredulous. "You are still unhappy with me because I refused to join you in the treehouse?"

"No! That was just an example. I waited until the warmest part of the day to ask you to go out into the ocean, and I tried to teach you about Debussy but you wouldn't listen. Time and time again-"

"I agree that the Debussy has been an ongoing problem between us, but not in the manner you think. You have always assumed that you could simply 'fix' what you perceived as my deficiencies. I say that I do not care for Debussy? You proceed to give me 'music appreciation lessons.' We have a disagreement? You put on soft music and lower the lights. I was extremely perturbed by our violent sexual encounter in England, yet you never comprehended-"

He clamped his lips together and looked away.

She leaned forward. "What? I never comprehended what, Spock?"

He gazed out the window. "It is of no importance now."

"What? What is it about the rough sex that upset you?"

He finally met her gaze. "As I stated, it is of no importance now."

She pressed her lips together for a moment, then gestured so wildly that she almost knocked over her wine. "There you go again! It _is _important, I can tell by looking at you, but you think that you can just pretend it's nothing and it'll go away. It's easier to avoid the issue than to be honest with me."

"Some things are simply meant to remain private."

"Not when it's a deep, dark secret that's going to threaten our relationship! While we were on the Enterprise together, you didn't find it so hard to tell me things."

"Then perhaps you should not have left," he said strongly.

She raised her own voice a notch to match. "Well, maybe you should have asked me to stay!"

"It was your choice, not mine."

"So is that it? I made my choice, and now you're punishing me by not CARING anymore?"

She abruptly realized that the few patrons on the other side of the bar had turned in their direction. Inhaling, she saw Spock take a deep breath as well, and they both looked out the viewport for a long moment before facing each other again.

She was careful to control her tone when she spoke.

"We're not getting anywhere like this. I really don't want to fight with you." She paused. "And I haven't even said what I came here to say."

"You came here to terminate our relationship," he stated without inflection.

"Yes." Suddenly she was very tired. "I did. I can't go on like this, and I suspect that you can't, either."

He didn't answer.

"I'm so sorry."

"I assume that you already have my replacement in mind."

Finally losing the tenuous control on her temper, she slammed her palms down on the table. "Damn it, Spock! That's not what this is about!"

"But am I incorrect? Tell me truthfully. You speak so highly of honesty, but now it is your turn to be honest."

Her anger drained away when she belatedly realized that it was pain, not petty spite, that had colored his voice, and suddenly she realized that she didn't know the answer to that question. How could she tell him he was wrong? More than anything, she wanted to be able to look him in the eyes and tell him he was wrong, but yet that wouldn't be honest with him... or with herself. She couldn't deny that she knew a man, an uncomplicated, easy-going, unquestioning man, whose presence simply made her feel relieved. She wasn't attracted to him-she couldn't even imagine ever seeing him as more than a friend-but being with him was never hard work, and right now that seemed incredibly appealing.

She forced herself to meet Spock's eyes. Hardly able to say the words, she whispered, "I don't know."

For the first time since they had begun arguing, she saw a glimmer of something other than carefully controlled frigidity pass across his features, and he looked away. "Now I see. Forgive my obtuseness. I should have understood long ago."

Oh, God. How could she have allowed the conversation to turn out like this? Even though he would deny it, she knew that she'd hurt him horribly, this man who'd been her lover for over two years and her friend for countless more, and who still meant the universe to her. The words were said, however, and now she couldn't take them back. Blinking away the sudden sting of tears, she said, "Oh, Spock, I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Long ago, you promised that you'd never break my heart, but look at what I've done to you."

"Do not concern yourself with my 'heart.' I am Vulcan." He did not meet her eyes.

"I love you, Spock, and I always will. I didn't want it to end like this."

Not raising his arm, he held up his fingers to stop her. "It is done. You do not need to apologize. Indeed, perhaps I should apologize to you for not having tried harder to fulfill your expectations."

She closed her eyes. "It's not all your fault."

He didn't comment.

Finally, she opened her eyes again and watched him until he looked at her. Neither of them spoke for a long moment.

"Can we still be friends?" she asked.

"I must confess that any future between us is rather difficult to contemplate at the moment, but..." He took a deep breath and seemed to sag a little. "I know that my life would be diminished if I were to lose you completely."

The tears threatened to return. "Mine, too. Who will tell Saavik?"

"I will."

"Please tell her that nothing has changed as far as my relationship with her goes."

"Very well."

"Will you call me soon?"

"Yes. Nyota... Regardless of what happened here today, I want you to know that I would not change the decision we made two point three years ago, were I given the chance."

"Oh, neither would I. Those months, when we were on the Enterprise together, were the best of my life."

Standing, he gazed out the viewport toward the two mighty ships which hung suspended in space dock. "Goodbye, Nyota. Perhaps you can find what you seek with... with someone else."

She nodded speechlessly, and he walked away. He was so tall and handsome, moving with the same controlled grace that she had always loved so much. Had she just made a terrible mistake? It would be the worst of her life, if so. Remembering her misery of the last few months, though, agonizing over the paucity of her time with him, his own apparent unhappiness, and the fact that he didn't seem to need the same things from their relationship that she did, she knew she had made the right decision.

She signaled for the server, then fiddled with the little napkin under her empty glass while she waited for him to come her way. Her friends had invited her to join them for the evening, but she just wanted to be alone. She'd stay down here for a while, sitting quietly with only a glass of wine and her thoughts to keep her company. As she pictured her friends, however, she couldn't help but imagine the expression on Ravi's face when his eyes next landed on her. As always, he'd say something sweet, and he'd look at her like she was the center of his universe. Then he'd smile and try to cheer her up, and this time, maybe-just maybe-she would let him.

Glancing out the window at the Enterprise, though, she realized with a twinge that all of Ravi's fluent words of affection, those spontaneous caresses and overflowing paragraphs of generous praise, would not be nearly as meaningful as that one carefully worded expression and the simple touch of fingers she used to receive whenever she saw Spock.

The waiter interrupted her thoughts. "May I bring you another?"

"Yes, please."

He headed toward the bar. Before she could look back out at the ships, her attention was drawn by an exuberant group that entered the room. At the front of the pack was Ravi, adoration in his eyes and a smile of pure pleasure on his lips as he led them all in her direction. She waved, genuinely glad to see them, and smiled at Ravi's overt attempt to situate everyone so that his seat was next to hers.

Moments later, the waiter returned with her drink. Chardonnay, the same vintage she had taken to Spock's quarters on that night of their first real date. Tracing her fingers in the condensation that clouded the glass, she couldn't help but raise her chin and search for the Enterprise again.

It was gone. An instant later, her eye was caught by the brilliant rainbow-colored flash of a ship going to warp far in the distance. Discreetly wiping away the moisture that finally escaped from the corner of her vision, she mouthed a soundless little goodbye.

...

His face set in stone, Spock nodded at the technician and strode from the transporter room. The corridor was empty. Very few people stirred this late in the ship's evening, which was fortunate since he wished very much to reach his quarters uninterrupted.

He walked numbly down the long hallways. Events, dates, significant moments... It all whirled through his mind. Two years, six months, one day, and twenty-one point two hours ago, she had pressed her lips to his for the first time. Two years, three months, ten days, and eighteen point six hours ago, he had held her in his arms. Two years, three months, ten days, and six point two hours ago, he had first known the pleasures of her soft flesh. He could pinpoint with precision the moments they had first come together, but try as he might, he could not even estimate when they had begun to grow apart.

He turned the last corner and moved quickly toward his quarters. Squeezing through the door before it had completely opened, he stopped in his tracks as soon as it shut behind him. There. He had made it. He closed his eyes in relief-he would not be required to speak to anyone until the morning.

The deck vibrated minutely beneath his feet, and he knew that the ship had just gone into warp. Of course it would be visible from the spaceport lounge. Had Nyota watched him leave? He did know that she cared greatly for him, but try as he might, he found that he could not picture her face at the moment. What would be written there as she looked out the viewport? Relief? Sorrow? Both? Neither?

He slowly opened his eyes and gazed around his quarters. Everything was just as he had left it forty-one minutes ago, yet nothing seemed the same. His firepot flickered from its place against the wall, but the flame seemed cold and unwelcoming. He considered blowing it out, unwilling to deal with the stirrings it evoked, but he resisted the impulse. Such an action would be illogical, and eliminating the flame would not change anything. Regardless of whether it continued or it ceased, it no longer burned for him.

He walked toward his sleeping area, intent on retrieving his meditation robe. As he passed his desk, however, a flashing light caught his attention. Of course. He had paused the music before he left, and the computer signaled that it awaited his next instruction. Moving toward the desk, he opened his mouth to tell the computer to turn it off, but instead he said something very different.

"Computer. Resume play."

Gentle notes immediately floated into the air. He knew that Debussy had composed this piece in the key of D Major, but the harmonies shifted so rapidly that he could barely identify one consonance-or dissonance-before it slid to the next. The dynamics of the piece were certainly arresting, ebbing and flowing subtly, successfully evocative of a watery environment.

He rested his hand lightly on the computer as the music continued to play. The tones were indistinct, blurred by the use of the pedal, but he easily picked out the particular notes Debussy chose to emphasize. Parallel octaves sang out, melodic major fifths that seemed to announce the imminent arrival of something new.

Suddenly, as if Ondine herself were rising from the water, a clear, captivating melody soared quietly over the ringing notes beneath. It was very simple, yet it called to him. Alluring and beguiling, it beckoned. It was... beautiful.

This music was beautiful.

Nyota had tried to make him hear the enchantment within the music, but he had been deaf and blind to what she wished to teach him. How could he have missed it so completely, and for so long? This music embodied a sheer pleasure, an expression of the mysteries, the joys, and the sorrows that awaited anyone who opened himself to the possibilities of life. This music was filled with beauty. Just like her.

Enough.

Tightening his lips, he brusquely stopped the music. It did not matter. He was indulging himself, allowing himself to sink into the depths of emotional excess. He was Vulcan, and he was a Starfleet officer. He would not wallow in useless emotions. Tomorrow he would wake to his duty just like he had the many days behind him and the many more days ahead; that had not changed. His time with Nyota had been agreeable, but it was over.

As he told her, it was done. Kaiidth. A part of the past.

Erasing all expression from his face, he walked to the closet and exchanged his uniform for a robe, then knelt on his meditation mat. He had become soft, but such a lack of discipline benefited no one. He had allowed weakness, and now it was time to become strong again.

As he closed his eyes, however, an unbidden image slipped into his mind. Someday, he would encounter her again, face to face, close enough to touch. It would happen. It was inevitable. She would look up into his eyes as always, and... A dull pain twisted deep in his chest as he realized that she might look into his eyes, but it would never be the same.

He squared his shoulders and pushed it all away. He would not think of that now. Now, it was time to harden himself.

It was time to remember what it meant to be Vulcan.

End Ondine

End Debussy Suite

The next story in this series is To Old Friends


End file.
